Heisenberg's Fun House
                                                                                               2004
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Arts & Entertainment/Theater

Short-Attention-Span Theatre

Introducing quickie classics for people who just don't have the time or attention span for their recommended daily minimum dose of high-culture.  Since our arts & culture columnist squandered most of his productive years absorbing the great, off-great and off-off great works of the dramatic arts, HFH asked him to waste even more time sharing his enlightened enrichment with our curious, but busy readers. Over the months, he will be distilling the pure essence of the great playwrights' work into a "culture-concentrate" of one-page, high-density plays.  

December 2002

How Amahl Stole Scrooge’s Nutcracker on 34th St. in Wales

- OR -

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HOLIDAY PLAYS

SHE

(Entering their tenement apartment.) Henry…Oh, Henry…(HE enters from the bedroom) I’m so late…what time is it?

HE

I…I….don’t know. I sold my watch to buy you this. Merry Christmas (HE holds out a tortoise-shell comb.)

SHE

(Taking off her hat  - her hair falls down to her shoulders) Thank you, Sweetheart.

HE

What did you get me?

SHE

Funny you should mention that….(We hear the three magi singing from Amahl and the Night Visitors offstage.)

HE
(Running to the window and looking out) Get those damn camels off the lawn!

CASPAR
(Singing off stage) “This is my box, this is my box, I never travel without my box.”

HE
I don’t care who you are, you’d just better not be referring to that crippled kid who’s sharing that hump with you!

SHE
What’s that terminally happy Cratchit boy doing on a camel?

HE
It’s not him – it’s some little Arab. (There is a knock on the door) Now what? (HE opens the door – revealing a small girl) Who are you?

CINDY LOU
Yes.

HE
Who?

CINDY LOU
Cindy Lou Who.

HE

Who?

CINDY LOU
Yes!

HE
Everyone’s a comedian (Slams the door) Now about my present…

SHE
I still don’t have it. I was at Macy’s and the cops were taking out this old bearded guy who was claming to be Santa Claus. The economy being what it is, I’m sure he was just a street bum they hired for the season. But when he saw me, he broke away from the cops, ran over and embraced me!

HE
God, honey, weren’t you scared… or even worse…did it excite you?

SHE

No, it was just a blah bum hug!


CURTAIN


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