News Briefs
Archives 2003
May 15, 2003
National
Headline Sampler:
In the Media
New
York Times Admits It Has Never Told the Truth
“We can’t believe no one ever
noticed before.
I guess the jig is up.” – Editor in Chief Howell Raines
— Washington Times
N.Y.
Times, Weekly World News Announce Joint Cable Venture
Citing “complementary synergies,” CEOs say the news-fabricating
giants will launch a cable television fiction/fantasy channel this summer.
— National Enquirer
The
Gray Lady Ain’t No Lady
Withered Liberal Hag Rag
Admits It’s a Stinking Liar
— New York Post
Former
Pres. Clinton Signs On As N.Y. Times Reporter
“It's fortuitous I can lend my reputation to this important journal
of record at this particularly painful time in its distinguished history. I
truly feel its pain,” says former chief exec.
—
Los Angeles Times
Below the Beltway
William
Bennett Lays Three-to-One Odds His Career Will Survive Gambling Habit
Optimistic virtue czar says, “In my coast-to-coast travels across
this great land – from Atlantic City to Las Vegas – decentness and Christian
morality still reign.”
— Reno Nevadan
To
Intimidate Rebellious House Freshmen, Majority Whip Tom Delay Pulls Back His
Human Mask to Reveal Head of a Lizard
“It’s very persuasive, and
quite terrifying,” say first-term GOP reps.
— Washington Post
All Things Texas
Democratic
Reps. Flee Texas State House; Traumatized Party Sets Evacuations for Other 49
States, U.S. Capitol
GOP Issues Deck
of Cards with Faces of Texas Renegades
— Austin American Statesman
Delay,
Accusing Oklahoma of Harboring Texas Political Fugitives, Weapons of Mass
Destruction, Threatens Retaliation
“The Texans are only
interested in us for our oil,” says defiant Oklahoma governor.”
— Fort Worth Star-Telegram
The Bush Beat
Prez:
“I’m Convinced Tax Cuts Are the Only Answer -- Now What Is the Question?”
—
Omaha World-Herald
Bush,
Declaring U.S. “the Most Powerful Nation on the Face of the Earth,” Alienates
Allies, France, the Earth
— Saint Louis Post-Dispatch
Pres.
Bush Spurns Mortarboard for Jet Fighter Helmet to Receive Honorary Degree at
Yale Commencement
“He hasn’t taken it off since his tail-hook
landing,” say aides.
— New Haven Register
Chief
Exec on Tax-Cut Stump, Calls New Mexico “the Land of the Enchanted”
Prez. says New Mexico “…not only needs a tax-cut, but a reality
check.”
— Albuquerque Journal
Not In Our Backyard
New
Iraq Nation-Building Czar Announces Tax-Cuts to Jump-Start Iraqi Economy
High taxes to be levied, then drastically cut to boost job
creation. “We just have to figure out who to tax, so we can give them an
incentive,” says anonymous source.
— New York Times
New
Iraq Nation-Building Team Denies Announcing Tax-Cuts to Jump-Start Iraqi Economy
“That’s simply just not true, Where did you get that -- the New
York Times?” says anonymous source.
— Washington Post
France
Claims U.S., Led by Rumsfeld, Is Engaging in Disinformation Campaign
U.S. defense chief counters Paris “must be getting its information from
the New York Times.”
— Los Angeles Times
By the Numbers
Democrats
Set to Regain White House, Congress in 2004 Landslide According to Latest New
York Times Poll
— New York Times
57
Percent in HFH/People Magazine Poll Disagree with Bush’s Policies, Give
Chief Exec High Marks
Most voters willing to overlook president's poor judgment,
inarticulateness, bungled international relations and wrongheaded economic policies
because they like his decisiveness and that he “looks like a hottie” in his jet helmet.
— Heisenberg’s Fun House
Our Expanding Nation
Airlines’
Weight Estimates on Passengers to Rise
Airlines also
mull charging passengers by the metric ton.
— The Oregonian
California
Lawsuit Seeks Statewide Ban of Oreo Cookies
“We must save the children from
this cream-filled chocolate menace, not because of obesity or deadly trans-fat,
but simply because we activists hate the thought of anyone thoroughly enjoying
something without fear and guilt.” -- Concerned Citizens Against Tasty
Treats
— San Francisco
Chronicle
Consumers
AOL
Customer Successfully Quits Service After Single Attempt
“I feel like I’ve won the lotto,” says grateful and newly
enrolled NetZero client.
— Des Moines Register
__________________________________________
April
15, 2003
THE
U.S. TOPPLES SADDAM —
A Sample of Headlines
from Around the World:
U.S.
ARAB WORLD ENRAGED OVER U.S. VICTORY IN IRAQ,
ELATED TO BE RID OF SADDAM HUSSEIN —
New York Times
OSAMA BIN LADEN CONDEMNS AMERICA FOR
REMOVING ARAB AUTHORITARIAN REGIME, SUPPORTING ARAB AUTHORITARIAN REGIMES
—
New York Times
MARINES, ARMY STORM BAGHDAD FOR SADDAM
SMACK-DOWN!
— New York Post
ARMY, MARINES SLAM SADDAM, TAKE IRAQ!! —
New York Daily News
STUPID BUSH: HOW MUCH WILL HE GLOAT OVER HIS
IRAQ VICTORY?
— Village Voice,
New York
DOUBTS, WORRIES AND FEAR MEET FEAR, WORRIES
AND DOUBTS IN ARAB WORLD ABOUT IRAQ’s FUTURE —
Washington Post
WHITE HOUSE’s FEEL-GOOD VICTORY SPOILED BY
SOURPUSS PUNDITS, HAND-WRINGING LIBERAL MEDIA, REALITY — Washington Times
SARS, CONGRESS VIE FOR ONLY NON-WAR STORY
SLOT ON PAGE 18
— Los Angeles Times
AREA
MAN SPENT WAR REFRESHING WAR-BLOG PAGE EVERY 30 SECONDS
— The Onion
ARAB STREET PINES FOR NEW MEGALOMANICAL
TOTALITARIAN GANGSTER TO EMPOWER THEM —
Chicago Tribune
RUMSFELD:
“ACTUALLY, THE PENTAGON’S WAR PLAN WAS MINE”
— Chicago Sun-Times
BAGHDAD LOOTING RECALLS SUPER BOWL DEFEAT FOR
OAKLAND SPORTS FANS — Oakland
Tribune
Middle East/Persian Gulf
IRAQIS ECSTATIC, ENRAGED ABOUT FALL OF SADDAM
— Oman Daily Observer, Muscat
ANTI-U.S. PROTESTORS, SYRIA, JORDAN,
SMUGGLERS ALREADY NOSTALGIC FOR 12-YEAR IRAQ EMBARGO —
Arab News
WHO,
US?
— Syria Times, Damascus
AMERICAN INFIDEL INVADERS & THEIR BRITISH
JACKAL LAPDOG ANNIHILATED AT BORDER IN GREAT-GRANDMOTHER OF ALL BATTLES
— Baath Party Gazette, Takrit, Iraq
FREEDOM AND HOPE IN BAGHDAD IGNITES RAGE AND
ANGER, ANGER AND RAGE IN OTHER ARAB CAPITALS
—
Al Gumhuryah, Taiz, Yemen
IMPERIALIST
ZIONIST COLONIALIST AMERICAN SLAUGHTERERS MAIM CHILDREN, TRACK MUD THROUGH STREETS OF
BAGHDAD
— Beirut Times, Lebanon
BASRA WORRY-BEAD WAREHOUSE LOOTED, SHORTAGE
FEARED AT CRITICAL JUNCTURE — Jordan
Times, Amman
GREAT SATAN TOPPLES BAATHIST CUR: AYATOLLAH
ALI KHAMENEI CONDEMNS IMPERIALIST INVASION, HAILS END OF SADDAM ERA
— IRNA (Islamic Republic News Agency), Tehran, Iran
U.S. LEARNS ISRAELI MILITARY SECRET: IF YOU
WANT A GUARANTEED VICTORY, FIGHT AN ARAB ARMY —
Ha’aretz, Israel
ONE
DOWN, 21 TO GO — Yediot
Ahronot, Israel
ARAB STREET OUTRAGED, REALLY PO’d OVER
JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS —
Gulf Times,
Qatar
Europe
ARAB LEAGUE OPTIMISTIC, PESSIMISTIC ABOUT
IRAQ’s FUTURE
— Daily
Telegraph, London
GLOBAL ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS CALL IRAQ INVASION
ILLEGAL, DEMAND WITHDRAWAL, RESTORATION OF REGIME WITH SADDAM LOOK-ALIKE
Throngs of students, activists also march for human rights and liberty for all
peoples.
— Libération, Paris
COALITION ALLIES ESTONIA, MALTA EACH TO SEND
OCCUPATION TROOP FOR IRAQ REBUILDING EFFORT
— Eesti Ekspress,Tallinn, Estonia
OCCUPIED BY U.K., BASRA RESIDENTS FEEL LUCKY TO
HAVE AN EXPERIENCED COLONIAL POWER RUNNING THEIR CITY
— Manchester Evening News, London
Africa
U.S./U.K. LIKELY TO IGNORE AFRICA’S BUTCHER
DICTATORS IN THEIR FUTURE IMMORAL, CRIMINAL WARS TO DEPOSE BUTCHER DICTATORS
— Mail & Guardian, Johannesburg, South
Africa
April
15, 2003
North Korean Chief Offers to Stand In as Iraq Strongman During Transition Period
“I’m looking for a new
challenge,” says Kim Jong Il.
PYONGYANG — North Korean
leader Kim Jong Il offered himself as a temporary replacement for Saddam Hussein
as ruler of Iraq during its transition to a Western-style democracy.
In a rare interview, the
diminutive playboy and Internet surfer told HFH, “If the U.S.
neocolonialists want results, I’m their potentate. I have the experience, iron
will and a deft touch when it comes to wielding absolute power – something the
Iraqi people have been conditioned to respond to,” said the diminutive
totalitarian playboy. “If anyone can unite this rowdy bunch, it’s me.”
Asked how a Korean could lead
Iraqis, Kim admitted his inability to speak Arabic could be a hurdle. “But
this would only be problem until I issued a decree ordering everyone to speak
Korean,” he said, demonstrating his abilities as a problem-solver. “I also
look good in a moustache and beret, if I say so myself.”
When asked why he is willing
to offer his services, he said, “I’m already The Dear Leader in my own
country and, though I am proud of my historical and monumental accomplishments
for the revolution, I’m at the point in my life where I’m looking for a new
challenge,” he said.
“I love my
fatherland, and am tireless in my revolutionary duty as a shining beacon for
its progressive workers, farmers and peasants in their endless struggle against
counter-revolutionary imperialist puppet-masters, foreign invaders and
capitalist roaders…,” said Kim. “Still, I must admit that sometimes I feel like
I’m in a bit of a rut. Perhaps I just need a change of pace and some new
scenery.”
The loquacious leader
explained how he could help: “The American bandit invaders are in for a rude
awakening if they think they can impose their reactionary democracy on a people
used to being told their leadership is infallible, enlightened and courageous
enough to lead them to shining greatness,” he said. “Now, I think I know
what the Iraqi masses want and need during this fragile transitional period.”
Kim, known for his extreme
vanity, as well as his legendary taste for Hollywood movies and Scandinavian
women, has nonetheless proven himself an able strongman after taking over after
his father Kim Il Sung, a master totalitarian and cult of personality, died in
1994.
Promising not to inflict his
megalo-Marxist philosophies on the predominantly Islamic nation, and to leave
“as soon as the job is done and not a minute later,” he said, “I’m not
trying to export progressive socialism here, I’m just offering my vast
experience as a Great Helmsman to steer the Iraqi ship of state until we can
trust the masses to make the right decisions. And, not to forget, there will be
many hydroelectric dams to build – this requires strong, resolute leadership
and central planning.”
Kim also said he would not
relinquish control over N. Korea while presiding in Baghdad. “I would
commute,” he said. “I would not abandon my own revolution.” A lover of
trains, he explained he could catch the Trans-Siberian Railroad to Moscow and
connect there for Baghdad. It’s a bit of a hassle, but it is a sacrifice I’m
willing to make,” he said. “I probably won’t even miss my Saturday morning
cartoons if I plan it right.”
When
told of Kim’s offer, U.S. officials had no comment.
April
15, 2003
White
House Mulls Free Gas During Next War
Tenuous 9/11 links, liberation of oppressed may not be enough to persuade
Americans on next military adventure.
WASHINGTON
— Undersecretary
of Defense Paul Wolfowitz denied today that the Bush administration has plans to
entice the American public by making gasoline free during wartime to bolster support for
invasions of other nations whose regimes displease it.
“Options
remain open for any action – anytime, any place – as the situation warrants,
said Wolfowitz, one of the chief architects of the Bush Doctrine of preventative
war. “Right now, we’re wrapping up our current project. As for the future:
if the world order needs some tweaking, we reserve the right to call it as we
see it.”
Dismissing arguments
that the American people might be a hard sell on further military engagements,
he said, “I think they should respond positively as they notice one of the
pleasant coincidences of spreading liberal democracy and lighting the torch of
freedom in the Middle East is lower gasoline prices. If that doesn’t create
positive feedback, I don’t know what will.”
Though Wolfowitz
denied the White House has plans to make gasoline free during future
“acted-out military scenarios,” such as an invasion of Iran or Syria, in
order to
drive home the point that fighting to liberate oil-bearing peoples and cheap gas
go hand in hand, an unnamed Pentagon source said, “I’ll just say: keep
your SUVs folks, even plan a long road trip if we go to war again –
you won’t regret it during our next regime adjustment.”
April
15, 2003
American
Evangelist Missionaries Head for Iraq
“All that troubled part of the world needs is a heaping helping of Christian
love.”
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Various
Christian fundamentalist groups are packing their bags and heading for Iraq.
“It’s a golden opportunity
sent from God to get the Word out,” said Plain Folks for Jesus minister, Clive
Chalice. “I’ve already been arrested in the old U.S.S.R. and deported from
Red China for smuggling Bibles. Converting free Iraqis ought to be a
cakewalk.”
Critics warn against
proselytizing in an Islamic nation, especially in Iraq during its tenuous
transition to what U.S. officials hope will be a Western-style democracy. The
presence of Christian evangelist missionaries, they say, will confirm many
Iraqis’ fears that the U.S. intends to usurp Islam and inflict its own
religion and culture on the nation.
But Return to the Roots, a
Topeka, Kansas-based Christian fundamentalist group, believes otherwise. Roots
minister and muffler-shop receptionist Hedy Flopp said, “What that area of the
world needs is the same as everywhere else – a hefty helping of J.C.”
“We think the Middle East
will welcome the good news we’re spreading,” she said.
“We feel sad for these people who live right in the land of the Bible
and yet have somehow missed out on the Big Event – go figure. All we want to
do is our Christian duty.”
When informed there are
already numerous religions and sects in the region and that spirituality and belief in
Islam runs deep among many Arab people, Flopp said, “In a troubled place like
the Middle East, how could bringing a great thing to Iraq like news that
Christ is the one-and-only true messiah do anything but help solve their crisis?”
__________________________________________
March
15, 2003
Bush
Dons Smart-Bomb Unit, Expresses Doubt About Policies
“I think I
understand,” said President Bush, “it’s all so clear now.”
WASHINGTON — White House
aides scrambled when President Bush called an impromptu press conference Friday.
Wearing a strange-looking device on his head, the chief executive announced to
shocked reporters, “Suddenly I have a need to think about things. And there is
so much to think about. Already it’s become so clear – most of my policy
decisions are completely off base.”
With that, two burly
Secret Service agents appeared, whispered into Mr. Bush’s ear and gripping his
arms, quickly escorted him from the podium.
According to an
unnamed White House source, the strange episode began during a Pentagon
demonstration of a smart-bomb guidance package. The unit is strapped onto a
formerly “dumb” bomb, allowing it to be guided with precision to a specific
target.
“Without
warning,” said the source, “the president, who was in an
uncharacteristically jocular mood, suddenly jumped up, took the device and
strapped it on – apparently as a joke. First he went into hideous contortions,
but then a serious look came over his face.”
According to the
source, Mr. Bush announced, “I believe this device really works.” He then
excused himself, saying he needed some time to “think about things.”
Other witnesses
reported that when Mr. Bush emerged, still wearing the device, he had scrawled
some economic cost-benefit formulas. Holding them up he said, “My tax-cut bill
defies all logic. It will have no short-term ameliorative effect on the current
recession. What was I thinking? Perhaps
I wasn’t. This country will soon
be up to its ears in debt. Now wouldn’t that be a fine gift for our children?
No, it wouldn’t, it’s illogical.”
“It’s almost like
he turned into Mr. Spock,” said one official.
After re-reading all
his memos the president asked why his administration wants to drill in the
Alaska wildlife reserve while encouraging citizens to keep buying gas-guzzlers?
“I can’t believe it,” he said, “it’s like I was in a stupor. Wait
until I find out who came up with all these hare-brained schemes.”
“And about Iraq –
are we really going to strain our military power and spend billions of
off-budget tax dollars to take out a decrepit Pan-Arabist regime while we should
be concentrating on stopping Islamist terrorists from attacking us?” asked the
chief executive. “And all so we can spend money and manpower baby-sitting
another country for the next decade? Who signed off on that one?”
Most witnesses stood
agape as Mr. Bush, not known for articulateness and historical perspective,
continued his intellectual reassessment of his own foreign policy.
“Meanwhile, what are we doing about North Korea?
I said it was regional? That’s
crazy! Why are we ignoring this real global crisis?
Shouldn’t we be going after those reactors before that crazy little
nutcase with bad hair, Kim Jong Il, fires up his nuclear-bomb assembly line and
starts cranking out weapons of mass destruction for sale?”
“He even pronounced
‘nuclear’ correctly,” noted an aide.
It was at that point
Mr. Bush demanded a press conference, saying “I not afraid of the press
anymore.” According to the source, he pointed to Karl Rove and announced,
“I’ve got some bold, positive ideas about the future I want to share with
the American people.”
Shortly after the
impromptu press conference started, according to the source, Karl Rove alerted
Vice President Dick Cheney, who signaled the Secret Service. Once out of camera
sight, they gently wrestled the chief executive to the ground and gingerly
removed the smart-bomb unit. Mr. Bush slumped for a moment, then stood up,
smoothed his jacket and said in his characteristic resolute, taciturn style,
“Wasn’t I about to lead a prayer?”
March
15, 2003
U.S.
Special Import Ban Seen by French as Petty Revenge
Will Americans miss their Brie?
PARIS — Calling a new trade ruling “petty,
arbitrary and blatantly anti-France,” Paris condemned an importation ban
instituted by the United States on marionettes, mime makeup, “unfresh”
cheese and films with "creepy-erotic content.”
U.S. officials denied the ruling as anti-French.
“We are only protecting our own people,” said U.S. European trade envoy
Hollingsworth Dub. “World Trade Organization rules allow us to ban any imports
we see threatening our national security in a time of war or international
tension.”
The U.S. imports from France all its annoying
marionettes and white pancake makeup, a type used exclusively by annoying mimes.
Also 95 percent of its unfresh cheese imports are of French origin. Though the
banned films come from various countries, France exports the lion’s share of
sexually creepy ones.
French trade representative Claude
Jacques-Claude D’effete said the purpose of the ban is “quite transparent.
Its aim is to punish France for daring to stand up to the United States in the
United Nations over the disarmament of Iraq.”
Responding to the criticism, Dub said, “That
is ludicrous. We have banned the import of these items from all nations. It’s
just a coincidence that the greatest impact is on France.”
“Besides,” said Dub, “We soon won’t be
needing any pancake makeup because the Immigration and Naturalization Service
plans to soon deport all annoying mimes from the U.S.”
March
15, 2003
Responding to “Shock & Awe,” Left Will Unleash “Lull & Yawn” on
U.S. Capital If Iraq War Starts
Can a concentrated dose of
social consciousness and acoustic guitar music kill?
WASHINGTON — A
coalition of leftist anti-war groups announced today it has mobilized over
16,000 socially conscious folk singers to descend on the nation’s capital when
the U.S. launches its invasion of Iraq.
"We are countering the American
war machine's 'Shock and
Awe' with operation 'Lull and Yawn,'” said People United for Peace at Any Price
spokesperson, Dawn Linseed. “It’s
a long shot, but in the first hours of the war, if we can continuously sing socially relevant folk music
everywhere in the capital, 24-seven, the effect may lull every government
worker into a kind of somnambulant folk stupor. Our goal is to paralyze key White House and
Pentagon military command functions so the war will grind to a halt.”
“To do this, we have
stationed thousands of folk singers around every federal building in the
Washington D.C. area. In an all-out folk blitz, each will repeatedly sing a folk favorite,
such as ‘If I had a Hammer,’ ‘Clouds’ or ‘Puff the Magic Dragon,’ until the president comes to his
senses and sees the immorality of war – or slips into a coma.”
Pentagon officials are taking
the threat seriously and have taken steps to move their command centers to
soundproof bunkers. In order to protect off-duty personnel, earplugs have been
issued.
__________________________________________
February
15, 2003
Satellite
Confirms Big Bang, and It's All Downhill from There
Looking
at its
exciting start, scientists ask – “But what has the universe done lately?”
GREENBELT, Md. —
The most detailed and precise map yet produced of the cosmos just after its
birth confirms the Big Bang theory in the greatest detail yet and opens a window
on the dawn and demise of the universe, cosmologists said Tuesday.
The map, compiled by the orbiting Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe, shows
slight thermal variations in the microwave haze believed to be a remnant of the
Big Bang.
It moves the birth of the first stars back to only 200 million years after the
Big Bang, some 500 million years earlier than predicted and hints at the physics
behind the violent microsecond that jump-started creation. It also suggests the
universe will expand forever, rather than collapse upon itself.
Reacting to the new data, most cosmologists registered disappointment.
“That’s it? We had hoped for more – a collapse and Big Crunch at least.
Now what do we do? To be brutally honest, the more we look, it seems, the more
boring the place becomes,” said Dr. Hal Pootag, a University of Chicago
cosmologist.
The map also shows the universe is geometrically "flat" – parallel
lines won’t meet, even over cosmic distances. “In other words, forget the
gee-whiz stuff,” he said.
Other scientists echoed Pootag’s dismal outlook. “Don’t get too excited,
that’s all I can say,” said Dr. Lionel Neethawk, an astronomer at the
Goddard Space Flight Center. “It looks like the Big Bang is a hard act to
follow. Here’s what we have: the universe is around 13.7 billion years old and
is 4 percent everyday matter, 23 percent dark matter and 73 percent dark
energy.”
The task ahead, he and others agreed, is to interest a new generation of
cosmologists who will try to parse the invisible stuff that makes up 96 percent
of everything.
“Fat chance,” said Melvin Helldaddy, a University of Arizona astrophysics graduate student. “I think
I’ll be taking organic chemistry and do medical school after all. I mean, who
wants to spend their career looking at dark matter and energy?
It’s not exactly rewarding, let alone lucrative.
Besides, I have this screenplay I’ve been working on.”
“Unless you get off on the Big Bang itself, there hasn’t been anything as
spectacular or fun for the last 13.7 billion years – just a lot of lumpy
material forming heavy elements, stars and galaxies, over and over –
yadda-yadda-yadda,” said fellow grad student Bobbi Lustwing. “And it looks
like that routine’s going to end as the universe expands forever into a cold,
dark nothingness -- sort of like my last relationship.”
February
15, 2003
Powell May Have Been Assimilated, Some
Experts Say
Were his brainwaves
altered?
WASHINGTON
— With Secretary of State Colin Powell’s
fiery ultimatum to Saddam Hussein delivered at the United Nations last week, the
Bush administration’s last dove morphed into hawk.
“You’ll find no naysayers here,” said White House press secretary, Ari
Fleischer. “Resistance to the president is futile.”
But what caused the secretary’s sudden shift in opinion?
Pundits say Powell, who had advocated working through the U.N. for Iraq’s
disarmament, felt duped by France last week and “finally saw the light.”
But some observers suggest he is the latest example of a mysterious White House
“reorientation” program started soon after Bush took office that, according
to an unnamed former CIA officer, “uses a brain-wave altering device kept in
an undisclosed location and supervised by Vice Pres. Cheney.”
“They call it the Bush Opinion Reorientation Generator (BORG-2000),” said
the source. “It was originally designed to be used on terrorists to erase
resistance and assimilate them into agreement with the viewpoint of whoever runs
the machine.”
Powell, appearing glassy-eyed after his U.N. presentation, became agitated and
defensive when asked if he had been ‘reoriented.’ “Why would I be?” he
said. “I’ve always been totally on board and ready to do His bidding – 100
percent, 24/seven. I’d rather eat my children than be disloyal to my
president. He is my supreme leader.
Death to Saddam. All hail our chief executive – Commander-In-Chief George W.
Bush….”
Some experts believe the device was used on then House minority leader, Rep.
Dick Gephardt (D-Mo.) and a number of Senate Democrats before last year’s vote
on the war. They also claim that all rank-and-file Republicans and most
Democrats in Congress may also have undergone reorientation even before the 2002
elections.
“It’s one explanation of the solid front put up by the White House, not to
mention the extraordinary unity of congressional GOP and the practically
nonexistent opposition by the Democrats,” the source said.
February
15, 2003
Covert
Preparations to Relocate Iraq Uncovered by U.N. Arms Inspectors
Blix says Iraq move would ‘complicate’
inspections and require more time
NEW YORK — United Nations
arms inspectors have discovered preparations by the Iraqi government to move the
entire nation to a tract of land in Argentina when an attack by the United
States becomes imminent.
Chief U.N. arms inspector Hans Blix denied it was a smoking gun, but said,
“Any such move will not ultimately affect our inspections, though we may
require more time to allow them to get settled in their new location before can
resume our operations. I know how chaotic and traumatic moving can be,” he
said.
The White House issued a statement saying
this tactic “only confirmed the Hussein regime’s duplicity” and warned
that any attempt to shift the California-sized nation of 24 million people out
of range of American military units “would be considered a material breach and
result in a corresponding troop re-deployment to the Southern Hemisphere.”
“You won’t escape, you can’t escape, you shouldn’t try to escape,
because we will get you no matter where your country goes,” said U.S. defense secretary,
Donald Rumsfeld.
The document, held by magnets on a refrigerator door in one of Saddam
Hussein’s presidential palaces, almost escaped detection.
Inspectors have also noted many citizens carry packed suitcases and that
many moving vans were parked on Baghdad streets.
The plan detailed the routing of
black-market petrodollars to hire Syrian and Jordanian body doubles of every
Iraqi citizen and recorded billions spent to purchase large tracts of land in
Patagonia, a remote region in Argentina.
“We think they also attempted to transfer their oil reserves, which proved
impossible,” said Blix. “Instead, they apparently made a deal to sell the
wells to the Russian mob for a 1,000 hijacked truckloads of American pornography
DVDs, along with 500 tons of Coca-Cola, Stolichnaya vodka and Marlboro
cigarettes.”
Defense Dept. satellite photos of Patagonia reportedly show sites for Baghdad,
Takrit and 35 presidential palaces have already been cleared. Desolate,
unproductive stretches of land near Tierra del Fuego have been set aside for the
Shiite and Kurdish populations.
Blix admitted such a move would complicate his work,
but said inspectors were capable of combing the Andes if necessary for hidden
weapons of mass destruction. “If there is a smoking gun, even if it is in
South America, we will find it – eventually,” he said.
February
15, 2002
Jupiter’s
Moon Europa Joins European Union
Washington accuses France and
Germany of ‘cheap tactic” to add anti-U.S. votes
BRUSSELS — One of
Jupiter’s four major moons, Europa, today was inducted as the latest member of
the European Union (E.U.).
Jupiter’s fourth-largest satellite was invited into the E.U. “because it
seemed appropriate to welcome a peace-loving, politically inert entity to our
European community,” said French E.U. spokesperson, Bridget Lardflambe.
“It was either Europa or Turkey – who
would you pick?” said German foreign minister, Joschka Fischer.
“Our decision,” he added, "had nothing to do with our differences with the United
States.”
There has been no official response from the
frozen moon to the invitation sponsored by France and Germany. Nor are any
Europan delegates expected in Brussels, or even on Earth, in the near future
since no one is sure if life actually exists there.
Some scientists hypothesize the namesake satellite may harbor primitive life in
a liquid ocean existing under its ice-capped surface.
Until life is confirmed and officially notified, the French delegation has been
assigned to represent the potential denizens of the distant world. “We will
handle all Europan affairs and are confident that when, and if, Europans exist
they will send representatives to take their proper place,” said Lardflambe.
“Until such a time, France will speak for Europa.”
Upon taking its seat, Europa immediately condemned the United States for its
attempts to remove the regime of Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq.
Through
its French interlocutors, the Jovian satellite has also rejected full membership
in NATO, and will also be represented by Paris on the United Nations Security
Council where it is expected to veto any and all U.S.-sponsored resolutions.
__________________________________________
January
15, 2003
Controversy
Clouds North
Korean Upset Victory Over Iraq In Axis of Evil Propaganda Olympics
PYONGYANG, N. Korea — Despite a
controversial decision that gave North Korea an upset victory over Iraq in the
final round of the Axis of Evil’s first Bellicose Propaganda Olympics, held
last weekend, observers agree the new rhetorical games are off to an exciting
start.
The games were hosted by N. Korea in the Great
Hall of the Glorious Victory of the Illustrious Leader, His Elevated Dear Son
and the Lumpen Proletariat, which echoed with colorful renunciations and
megalomaniacal threats in three languages -- Korean, Farsi and Arabic -- during
the biggest event in the totalitarian world since the Nuremberg rallies.
Officially welcoming prolix information ministry
delegates from fellow AOE countries, Iran and Iraq, N. Korean Leader for Life
Kim Jong Il, served as emcee. Kim pumped the contestants with a blistering
tirade against the United States, calling the superpower, “the great
imperialist vulture that crushes alike the tiny flower and the toiling peasants
in its bloody talons made of looted heavy petroleum and neocolonial gold.”
The event, almost cancelled because the writers
are swamped with real crises, went on at the “gracious permission of the
Glorious Helmsmen from all three nations,” said an unnamed Iraqi coach. “No
matter, we can recycle most of this for use in the coming days,”
The games are a grueling three-day, 100-round
marathon “that tests the abilities of agitprop writers who aspire to someday
become information ministers in totalitarian regimes themselves -- or perhaps
even Glorious Leaders,” quipped ESPN/CSPAN play caller, Herb Kallus.
For each round, an antagonistic statement made
by Pres. Bush or his administration in the last year is presented and the
contestants have two minutes to draft a single run-on sentence diatribe.
Statements of defiance are judged using a 10-point scale to quantify their
inflammatory nature, sense of self-righteousness, denigration of the enemy,
flowery self-congratulation, delusional grandiosity and military bluster.
Additional consideration is given for imagery and colorfulness of hyperbole.
Seated in an arena designed like the U.N.
General Assembly, writers each presented the most vituperative rhetoric their
team could muster.
“The games were a nail-biter from the start,
and by the end of the third day, exhaustion was apparent on the contestants’
faces,” said Kallous.
By the final round, Iraq and N. Korea were tied
at 10,790 points each, with Iran trailing at 1,204.
A gasp went up among spectators as Kim tossed out the final statement:
Pres. Bush’s announcement of America’s new doctrine of preemption.
Clearly disappointing throughout the games was
the hesitant, stumbling performance of the Iranian team. The final statement,
worth 10,000 points, which could have put the fractious fundamentalist theocracy
back into the game, was no exception: “The Great Satan’s nasty sins will
most likely not go unpunished…” mumbled a somewhat unenthusiastic
Information Mullah, Ayatollah Khomanananini.
“Ten years ago this team would have kicked
ideological butt,” lamented one observer “Now I see no dogmatic enthusiasm,
no overblown celebration of the cult of personality and I detect the hint of a
desire to join the community of nations. I’m sorry to say, since the death of
Ayatollah Khomeini, the Islamic Republic of Iran’s revolutionary flame has all but
flickered out.”
Most experts agreed the somewhat overproduced
Iraqi response, though a tired reprise from 1991, was the clear winner, but the
judges, including a French and a Russian, pronounced host N. Korea the victor.
Though AOE policy is to show evil solidarity and not criticize fellow members,
unnamed sources said Baghdad suspects a “dirty American payoff” of the
French judge and promised a “jihad that will ignite land and sea in just
revenge against the Yankee sons of Noah and their pandering French fungus-eater
toadies.”
The
Winning Responses
