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News Briefs Archives 2002

December 15, 2002

Some Holiday Toys Are Hot, Some Are Not

UNCERTAINTY PARK — Every year toy-makers launch and re-launch lines whose success during the holiday season could mean the difference between a big profits and red ink. A spot survey conducted by HFH at the Mall of America confirms that certain toys slated to become hot sellers this holiday season have so far showed disappointing results.

Toys That Are Tanking
 

Aircraft Carrier Named for Former President Bush

WASHINGTON ― A Nimitz-class aircraft “super-carrier” will be named after George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st president, war hero and father of the current commander in chief.   

Completion of the 1,092-foot-long, nuclear-powered vessel is scheduled for 2009 and will be the last of 10 Nimitz-class carriers, which each cost about $4.5 billion. 

The ninth, the USS Ronald Reagan, is to be commissioned in May.

Original plans, promoted by some members in Congress and the General Accounting Office, to name the ships the USS Burgeoning Deficit and USS National Debt were discontinued after the November elections.

“Think of these carriers as floating diplomatic missions with that something extra,” said White House press secretary, Ari Fleischer when asked about the expensive price tags. “When one of these ‘emissaries’ shows up off your coast, you’d better be ready for some ‘serious and frank’ negotiations.”

BALTIMORE ― Huge amounts of genetic material dismissed by biologists as "junk DNA" have been found to contain essential instructions, said Abercrombie Hexon, head of the Johns Hopkins Institute for Genetic Medicine. 

Biologists have traditionally looked at the portion of genetic DNA that builds protein templates, which create all living organisms from shower scum to Michael Jackson. But DNA outside of genes, long considered extraneous, or “junk,” by scientists, may serve an important purpose as a set of “instructions” for organisms to use their genes.

The newly discovered role for junk DNA came as a complete surprise. 

“One reason we never realized what this DNA did is that the code was mostly in Japanese,” said Hexon, “It wasn’t very inviting.  It’d be like going through a 350-page multilingual instruction manual to set up your cordless phone. Why bother if you can plug it in and can get most of the features to work on your own?  No wonder nobody ever bothered to check.”

The discovery has opened the possibility that certain vestigial organs like the appendix actually might be optional features in the body, but the instructions on how to activate them are buried somewhere in the junk DNA’s fine print. 

Researcher Akhunar Rixoh said, “Heck, even an organic chemical reaction may not be too inclined to peruse endless instruction manuals if one little feature isn’t working – especially if the whole thing mostly functions without activating a particular option. Why not leave well enough alone?” 

It was Brad Gilfin, a graduate student, who first realized the “junk” might be a “how-to” guide when he inadvertently found bits of English information buried under the Japanese, Spanish, German, Dutch, French and Swedish nucleotides.”

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November 15, 2002

Democrats Pick Boston for 2004 Convention

WASHINGTON  — The Democratic National Committee (DNC) voted this week to bypass New York City as the site of its 2004 presidential convention, picking Boston instead for its quadrennial meeting.

The committee's steering committee’s final recommendation was made Wednesday and passed on to Terry McAuliffe, the party chairman.

“We feel Boston, home of the Red Sox, is more apropos than New York, home of professional sports’ most winning franchise, the Yankees, as a venue for the Democrats to plot their future,” said a committee press release.

Boston enticed the Democrats with an aggressive $20 million financing package. The DNC said New York's commitment was just as attractive, but Mayor Mike Bloomberg said they would have to compete with the Republicans, which also have expressed interest in locating their convention in Madison Square Garden.

“Our strategy for the future is to only fight competitors we can beat,” said McAuliffe, “and as soon as we find one – look out.”  

Darwin Awards to Co-produce Jackass Sequel

LOS ANGELES ― The Darwin Awards, an online salute to “those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways,” will team up with MTV to produce a sequel to the box office hit, Jackass.

The controversial film, which depicts outrageous and dangerous stunts by paid actors, is based on a show originally aired on MTV in 2000-01. Though cancelled, the movie version, which opened three weeks ago, has raked in $53.3 million.

“We see a Jackass franchise – and we see a perfect fit for our brand,” said Darwin Awards marketing vice president Octavian Payole.  “Our mission is to encourage everyone from the exceptionally dumb to the profoundly stupid to voluntarily follow their instincts and promptly erase themselves from the human gene pool.  Jackass’ message dovetails perfectly with our project.” 

“We were impressed with Jackass both on TV and on the screen,” said Payole.  “It’s a trumpet call to the vast reservoir of teens and other dullards among us to follow their calling to grip the wrong end of the buzz saw of fame,” he said. 

Recently a teenager from Bellevue, Washington, soaked his shirt in rubbing alcohol and ignited it while his friends stood by shooting video footage they planned to sell.

After suffering first-degree burns over his face and upper body, the Bellevue teen initially told police someone had set his clothes on fire while he hiked a trail after attending a high school football game, police said.

"The stunt obviously went way south," said Payole, “and naturally this fellow was embarrassed, but what’s important is he was inspired to pursue his noble goal. Unfortunately the same herd stupidity that drives people like lemurs over a cliff also tends to hamper proper first-time execution – if you’ll excuse the play on words,” he said. “Once the kid’s healed and sees Jackass II – Idiot Jump With Me, he’ll surely be inspired to try again – and that’s what it’s all about.”

Ketchup As a Vegetable Back on Agenda After GOP Sweep

PITTSBURGH ―  “It’s a new day for ketchup,” said American Society of Condiments spokesperson Apollonia Slather of the GOP ascension to majority control of both houses of Congress last week.

“After a glorious moment in the sun during the Reagan administration, when ketchup was declared a vegetable and proudly took its place among the pantheon of school lunch program food items that nourish America’s children, we were again relegated to the edge of the lunch tray and dinner plate.”

“Ketchup fanciers have been fighting the good fight since the early 1960s,” said Slather.  “We felt shocked and betrayed when the Reagan administration didn’t stand up to our detractors.”

According to Bob Longneck, vice president of the International Grocers Association, when the Republicans lost the White House in 1992, it looked like ketchup, “the king of condiments,” would be permanently cast back into the Department of Agriculture’s second-class netherworld of toppings, flavor enhancers and food additives by liberal Democrats.

“It’s been a slow process up to now, but last week’s election results are a real slap at the bottom of the bottle,” said Slather, who predicts ketchup will be declared a vegetable on par with broccoli, cauliflower and asparagus by the end of next year.


FAA May Allow Sioux City to Change SUX Airport Code

SIOUX CITY, Ia. ― The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), after denying a request by Sioux City officials to change the city's official three-letter airport code from SUX to another designation, may reverse its decision.

Airport Director Larry Hobald said the western Iowa municipality appealed the ruling after the FAA refused its initial request made last March.

“We feel vindicated and hopeful,” said Sioux City chamber of commerce spokesperson Wendy Warf.  “Residents here are quite conservative and are embarrassed when tourists and relatives ask why “SUX” tags have been attached to their luggage.”

The FAA said no final decision has been made, but the codes SIC, SOW, SOOT and XIT are available.

Not everyone is happy with the settlement. “We just can’t switch codes to suit the whims of every chamber of commerce,” said an FAA official.  “This is a serious business involving air safety and security.  If we give in to the people of SUX, the next thing you know, Reagan National Airport will want to lose its RAG designation,” he said.

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October 15, 2002

Falwell Adds, Then Removes Moses and Jehovah from Terrorist List

LYNCHBURG, Va. ― Outspoken evangelist, Rev. Jerry Falwell, who last week called Muhammad a terrorist on the news program 60 Minutes, apologized for his denigration of the Muslim prophet.

Previously Falwell, a conservative Baptist minister, had made and later retracted remarks that America got what it deserved for its immorality in the Sept. 11 terror attacks on New York and Washington.

In an exclusive interview with HFH this week, Falwell said, “Perhaps I was a bit rash, and for that I apologize. After all, if Mohammad’s a terrorist, I suppose I should put Moses on the list too. He launched bio warfare and Old Testament wizardry to unleash seven plagues on innocent Egyptian civilians, not to mention all those years of fanatical totalitarian rule over the Jewish nation.”  

In the next sentence he immediately issued an apology to the Jewish people. “I’m sorry for my remarks,” he said. “I was wrong – dead wrong about Moses.”

Asked by HFH to explain his contradictory remarks, Falwell said, “You pushed me to say hurtful things about Moses. I’m just trying to call ‘em as I see ‘em,” he said.  “I suppose you want me to go to the top, to the real CEO of terror – Jehovah and all His acts of mass terror. Just look at how He used weapons of mass destruction to obliterate Sodom and Gomorrah, or His senseless attacks on Job and his family. And that humdinger – the 40-day deluge that killed 99.999 percent of the world’s land-dwelling creatures.”

Falwell immediately apologized, expanding his contrition to all members of the world’s great religions. “I didn’t mean that – any of it.  I wouldn’t have made any of those remarks if I weren’t provoked by reporters to say something. From now on I’ll only answer questions cleared first by my publicist, Jesus.”

Poll Shows GOP, Conservative Pundits Have Recurring Nightmares About Clinton

UNCERTAINTY PARK ― Though President Bill Clinton has been out of office for almost two years, a recent CBS News/HFH poll has shown that 77 percent of the GOP leadership has nightmares at least three times a week where Clinton is still president of the United States. 

The poll, taken last week, also revealed 89 percent of conservative pundits and 88 percent of conservative think-tank members admitted to disturbing flashbacks of the traumatic eight years they suffered during the Clinton administration

“It’s a little embarrassing, but I wake up in a cold sweat, completely convinced that Bill Clinton is still in the Oval Office,” said a leading Nevada GOP state official. 

One prominent conservative pundit, who also wished to remain anonymous, said he plans to seek help. “I have this reoccurring nightmare. There’s Bill Clinton with a cigar in his mouth and in a leather harness making a speech to a battalion of homosexual Marines. But then it evolves into night terror where he pulls off his mask and is really Hillary with a well-oiled whip. Then all the Marines become SpongeBob SquarePants and Tinky Winky look-alikes. I wake up with a shriek and can’t catch my breath – and worse, I scare the bejesus out of my poor wife.”

University of Chicago psychologist Amy Pastel said the residual effects of such a long-term trauma on conservatives could last for many years. “Eight years is a long time to live in sheer terror,” she said. “A Democrat who knows how to win a national election contradicts everything this generation of Republicans has been taught to believe. They have to face this disconnect and deal with it.”

This could explain Congress’ obsessive, relentless investigations and revelations about the Clintons and their years at the White House, she said. “I think they will eventually get over it, but it may take the reelection of President Bush.  His presidency has begun to allay their fears, but you have to realize these are deep-seated traumas,” she cautioned.

“Of course, in the unlikely event Hillary Clinton runs for and is elected president; I shudder to think. I suppose many of these people would have to be committed,” she said.

Iraq Denies Having Nuquler Weapons Program

BAGHDAD ― Reacting angrily to President Bush’s speech in Cincinnati last week, Iraq’s deputy prime minister, Tariq Aziz insisted his country does not retain, nor is it developing nuquler weapons of mass destruction.   

“We have no stockpile, nor are we developing any nuqular weapons.  Of that I can swear on Allah and the honor of the Baath Party,” he said, emphasizing the word “nuquler.”  “Read my lips Mr. Bush, you will find no nu-qu-lar weapons of any kind in Iraq.”

The Iraqi parliament, President Saddam Hussein’s rubber-stamp legislature, also declared Mr. Bush’s statements “complete lies and total fabrications” adding, “We all know that only the United States has nuqular weapons and that their existence was kept secret until Bush the Minor came to office and admitted to their existence.”

United Nations weapons inspectors, before they were kicked out of Iraq in 1998, say they found no evidence of a nuquler stockpile or capacity to develop them. “But,” said U.N. inspector Hans Obliqx, “I must admit I never was looking for them. We only searched for traditional WMDs (weapons of mass destruction). Nuquler devices apparently are a recent addition to the American arsenal that remains a mystery to most experts.”

Most arms experts say they were caught off guard by Bush’s reference to this new class of WMD and believe the U.S. is the only country to possess nuqular weapons.

Tips for Staying Safe

Due to the rampage of the sniper around the nation’s capital, HFH has compiled these following safety suggestions offered by the police for protection against sniper-style shootings.

• If financially possible, purchase a large Kevlar egg and remain inside its confines whenever leaving your home or automobile for the duration of the crisis.

• Move to Canada.

• Fidget.  Follow the cues of your children or adults with nervous disorders. Jerk your head in unpredictable directions as you go about your business.  (Aspirin may help ameliorate the headaches, dizziness and neck pain that may result from this repetitive motion.)

• Avoid parking lots, gas stations, Interstate highways, roads, streets, sidewalks or any venue that has been designated as “outdoors.”

• Walk like an Egyptian.

• Place a mannequin head atop your own, then pull your real head under a sweatshirt or into a turtleneck sweater.

• Move to the inner city.

• Avoid sunlight and open areas. Cower in shady, damp recesses near dumpsters and drainage ditches. Scurry from dark recess to dark recess only at night, avoiding all lighted areas.

• Walk like John Cleese in the Monty Python skit, “The Ministry of Silly Walks.”

• Do not bring attention to yourself.  Avoid clothing with bright or dull colors, as well as black, gray or white. 

• Switch attention from yourself to others. Covertly tape bulls-eye targets onto the backs of other people around you.

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September 15, 2002

SatireWire Demise Blamed on Failure to Link to Heisenberg’s Fun House

NEW HAVEN, Conn. ― After shocking the Internet parody world with his announcement that he would no longer update SatireWire, its creator Andrew Marlatt admitted, “I had a great time, but I made a few key mistakes along the way.”

The site was “just roaring along, hits were increasing ten-thousand fold, and SatireWire was being dubbed the next Onion,” said Marlatt.  “Suddenly we hit a wall. It wasn’t a creative one -- I could’ve cranked out those articles out until hell froze over, or President Bush became articulate.”

According to parody Web site experts, SatireWire had reached its first traffic plateau and had failed to aggressively search out other visitors. Contributing factors for this miscalculation may have been hubris or too much beer and partying, but most analysts agree it was SW’s failure to exchange links with other key sites, most importantly Heisenberg’s Fun House.

“When HFH pulled its link to SatireWire after the latter failed to link to the parody powerhouse, it was the final nail in the coffin,” said Internet-traffic consultant Will Count.“I think it’s a hard lesson other sites should learn if they want to be Web successes.”

Ex-astronaut Aldrin Accused of Punching Annoying Filmmaker

LOS ANGELES ― Beverly Hills police are investigating a complaint that Apollo 11 astronaut Edwin E. "Buzz" Aldrin struck Bart Sibrel, an independent filmmaker, who said he was trying to conduct an ambush interview with Aldrin when the second man to walk on the Moon punched him and ran away.

"I asked him again to swear on a Bible that he went to the Moon, and told him he was a thief for taking money to give an interview for something he didn't do," Sibrel told Reuters. “I only called him a liar and a thief and denigrated his life’s accomplishment and America’s greatest achievement – it sure doesn’t take much to set the guy off,” he said. 

“He must be trying to hide something if he’s going to act like that,” the filmmaker added.

The incident was videotaped by Sibrel for his documentary that allegedly proves the Apollo 11 astronauts faked footage of their July 1969 lunar voyage to convince the Soviet Union America had won the 1960s space race.

Sibrel is also working on another documentary, Conspiracy Theory: WW 2, where he presents “incontrovertible” evidence the real war actually ended in mid 1940 and the Pearl Harbor attack and subsequent “battles” of the so-called global conflagration were fought on a secret sound stage in Alaska as way to get the world economy out of depression.

Homeland Terror-Threat Advisory System Accidentally Switched to Code Green

WASHINGTON ― Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge on Tuesday said the color-coded U.S. terror alert advisory status was accidentally switched to “condition green” for a brief period last week.

 “For a five-hour period early last week, there was a mix-up and the green level, signifying a “low risk of terror attacks,” was issued by our department,” Ridge said at a press conference.

Though Ridge, citing security concerns, refused to give any further details, officials in state and local governments across the country reported “a general relaxation” as emergency preparations were put aside and it became what one FEMA official said was a “slacker’s dream come true.”

“It was beginning to look like the blissful ‘90s again,” said Clump County, Indiana Emergency Services supervisor Fred Nonesby, “I mean we just dropped everything, ordered pizza and broke out some six-packs to celebrate our victory in the War on Terrorism.”

Despite reports that an unknown number of immigrants entered the U.S. while the INS closed down to reward its employees with a day off to celebrate the mistaken victory, Ridge said the mix-up did not last long enough to cause any permanent damage to the nation’s preparations for homeland defense.

“We did see a sudden drop in the President Bush’s poll ratings after the all-clear signal went out,” he said.  According to sources in Ridge’s office, it was a frantic call from Karl Rove in the White House that initially alerted them to the problem.

“We do not foresee the U.S. going to code green for “the foreseeable future,” said Ridge. “And Americans need not worry about their security, we are at code orange (high risk of terror attacks) – and will remain there at least until the 2002 elections,” he added.

Missing Moon Dust Investigation Suspended as Swedes Fight Giant Fish, Flesh-Eating Mutants

STOCKHOLM ― Overworked police Saturday indefinitely suspended their investigation of the recent theft of four grains of Moon dust, brought to Earth by the first lunar landing, from a Swedish space exhibit.

The investigation was abruptly dropped due to staff shortages resulting from the sudden and unexplained invasions of giant herring and zombie-like mutants. 

The lunar dust was collected by the Apollo 11 astronauts in 1969 and presented to Sweden as a gift by President Nixon a year later in a sealed container.

"We don't think [the dust] has any value on the black market. It’s very difficult for a layman to tell whether it’s Moon dust or everyday dirt," said Lars Loorgenlorrg, spokesman for the Swedish Museum of Natural History.

Stockholm Police investigator Angar Blotskogg agreed, but expressed concern it could be valuable to a mad scientist. “If we reopen the case, we will investigate this possibility,” he said, “but all bets are off right now -- we have a national crisis on our hands.”

Police, along with Swedish army and air force units, according to officials, are “stretched to the limit” in their ongoing battle against an attack of 60-foot long, razor-toothed herring and roving bands of mutants. Authorities disagreed on whether the theft and the recent attacks are connected.  “If our nation survives, we will open an investigation into this matter,” said one unnamed official. 

Officials at NASA have refused to comment, though the American space agency has sent observers.

Most of the giant fish have been kippered, though the hooded beings, which appeared last week, have continued to besiege the countryside. According to eyewitnesses, they resemble “Death” in the Swedish classic film Seventh Seal and are flesh eaters. 

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August 15, 2002

Astronomers See Ironic Beauty In Galactic Chaos

SOCCORO, N.M. — Astrophysicists were delighted when NASA’s orbiting Chandra X-ray Observatory and Hubble Space Telescope combined forces with the VLA radio telescope in New Mexico to produce a spectacular multi-spectral image of an exploding galaxy.

The galaxy, Centaurus A, spouts a colorful array of arcs, jets and dust streaks, the result, say some researchers, of a massive explosion in its center about 10 million years ago.

“It’s glorious,” said Chandra astrophysicist Cy Tronsky. “We are not only viewing awesome destructive forces on a massive scale, but also the beauty of creation as enormous amounts of matter and energy are unleashed into space to form the building blocks of new stars. We may even be witnessing the process that gave birth to our own solar system,” he said.

Though unconfirmed, the radio telescope has also received from the galactic wreck desperate pleas for help transmitted by numerous dying civilizations scattered across the formerly thriving galaxy.

Waco Economic Summit Standoff Could Drag On for Weeks

WACO, Tex. — It was supposed to be a high-level economic summit hosted by President Bush. In reality the gathering was an elaborate FBI sting operation that went sour and rapidly escalated Wednesday into a tense standoff between renegade CEOs and the law enforcement agency after several heavily armed chief executives took hostages and threatened to order a mass stock sell-off if the FBI attempted to storm the compound.

The situation has been described as “tense but stable” since the president, himself not a subject of the sting according to an FBI spokesperson Hal Lessby, was released by the CEOs to the Secret Service as a good-will gesture in trade for a supply of putters and golf balls, cocktail olives and 20 cases of Bombay gin and vermouth. “It looks like they are hunkering down for a long haul,” he said. 

It is not known which CEOs are leading the insurrection and the whereabouts of Vice President Dick Cheney are currently undisclosed.

Among the hostages taken by the CEOs are a truck driver, a welder and other wage earners who had joined Bush at the invitation-only economic forum Tuesday at Baylor University law school.

Representing what the White House called “the rich diversity of American business,” the forum’s participants originally was intended to bring together the cream of America's corporate boardrooms, as well as the Cabinet and members of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the New York Stock Exchange.

Calling the meeting a “blue-chip Appalachin” -- in reference to the infamous meeting of leading Mafia crime-bosses in a small upstate New York community that was raided by the FBI in 1957 -- Lessby said, “We planned to use this forum for a sting but felt it was better not to advise the president -- not because we wanted to embarrass him, but so we didn’t put him in an awkward position. After all,” he said, “many of these people are his friends. It was just a golden opportunity to get every perp in one place at one time. You have to remember, a lot of these criminal CEO types are pretty clever fellows.”

Over 100 heavily armed FBI agents have surrounded the compound and armored vehicles have been reported moving along the highway leading into Waco. President Bush, shaken from the incident, is being briefed on the situation at his ranch in Crawford.

Moderates Lose Two Seats to Taliban In Kansas Board of Education Races

KANSAS CITY, Kan. — Voters ousted two incumbent moderates on the Kansas Board of Education, paving the way for the return of a 5-5 Taliban-moderate split.

The competition between the Taliban and moderates on the board has been an issue since August 1999, when a then-Taliban majority approved science standards that omitted many references to evolution, the Big Bang theory and the age of Earth.  After a moderate majority was elected two years ago, the 1999 vote was reversed.

“It’s a new day for creationism in classrooms, and this time we’re going to be taking a long, hard look at Copernicus, Galileo and Einstein too,” said newly elected Taliban board member Bothilda Boils.  The voters have sent us a loud message and the light of Truth is blinding only to those who fail to see it.”

“What’s science and what’s not science is completely subjective,” said Cal Pillory, Taliban winner of the 1^st District, “For instance, the sciences of chemistry and alchemy, can be taught side-by-side, like creationism and intelligent design. In other cases though, it’s clear as the sparkle in Jesus’ blue eyes that genetics, along with paleontology, geology, astronomy and so-called “cosmology” are all Satan-inspired teachings and therefore have no place in our children’s hearts and minds.”

“They’re baaack,” said a Topeka science teacher who asked to remain anonymous. “Forget fossil evidence, if these jokers aren’t proof of dinosaurs, I don’t know what is. I’d better start brushing up on the theory of spontaneous generation so I can teach biology this fall.”

Republican Governor Bill Graves said he is considering a request to the Bush administration for Special Operations Forces to oust the Taliban if they go through with their plans.

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July 15, 2002

China’s Post Office to Offer Unique E-Mail Service

BEIJING — Calling it the “most revolutionary innovation since the introduction of the digital abacus,” China's postal service hopes its hand-delivered e-mail service will be a convenient alternative for customers who use the Internet – and a relief for the government.

China Post, the official postal service for the world's most populous nation has teamed up with the People’s Liberation Security Bureau, to introduce the new e-mail delivery service.

“This innovation will allow our population to plunge headfirst into the 20^th century while insuring internal security – and that’s a win-win situation,” wrote the People’s Daily, the official Communist Party newspaper.

“Customers may now compose an e-mail message on their computer and send it via the Internet to the post office,” said a China Post spokesperson. "After a proper screening to correct bad grammar and remove any incendiary counterrevolutionary lies about the state, it will be hand delivered anywhere in China by a human mail carriers on horseback." 

“Using this convenient service will only take 99.9-percent longer than a fully electronic message transfer,” he said. “For instance, though it might take seconds via the Internet, it will only take 31 days to get a letter from Beijing to Lhasa, Tibet, a mere 13 days to Guangzhou and less than a week for any local address,"

Bush Taps Personal Experience for Economy Speech

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — President Bush tried to bolster investors' confidence in a speech here, even as financial markets continued their nosedive. "I want you to know our economy is fundamentally strong," Mr. Bush assured a friendly GOP audience.

Mr. Bush tempered his optimistic assessment with a warning to corporate America. "In order to be a responsible American,” he said, “you must behave responsibly. America must get rid of the hangover as a result of the economic binge we just went through," he added, apparently relying on his own experiences to draw an analogy.

Straying from his prepared speech, Mr. Bush continued, "The whole country was like at a big frat party where there was this endless kegger goin’ on and on – a real lot of hard partying – and now we got one whopper of a hangover from that binge. And some folks even drove home from this economic binge under the influence – and got caught.

The president paused then added, “And to that I say, ‘amen,’ because it’s irresponsible to be irresponsible. And I wanna tell ya – no amount of influence, even your father being president, can excuse ya from evildoing – if it’s somethin’ evil you’re doin’.” 

As he digressed further into personal cautionary tales about the dangers of pretzel gorging, his aides whisked him off the podium.

Sesame Street Warns U.S. Lawmakers of “Diversity” Onslaught If Funding Cut Over HIV-Positive Muppet

LOS ANGELES — Republican lawmakers are worried about plans to introduce an HIV-positive Muppet to the Sesame Street gang in AIDS-ravaged South Africa.

Five members of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce said the Muppet would be unwelcome on American TV and implied the popular children’s show risked a funding cut.

“Isn’t it bad enough we already have homosexual foreigner Teletubbies, transvestite rabbits and pigs without pants exposing themselves to our children?” said a statement issued by W.J. "Billy" Tauzin, (R-La.).

Taking an uncharacteristically tough stance, Sesame Street Workshop announced that any withholding of public funding would result in immediate retaliation with a “doomsday diversity scenario.” 

Though the plan was not made public, HFH has learned that it provides for the use of a secret Hollywood-Democrat slush fund to unleash on its 2-to-4-year-old audience a flood of new “diversity” characters.

They include Cinnamon, a sex-worker Muppet and a missing-link ape-Muppet named Thumbs who pokes fun at creationists. On the drawing board is Enron – a bumbling octopus who is always trying to hide his incorrect arithmetic homework and Coulter, an anorexic, blond female monster. It will also introduce “Congressman Lightloafer,” a fat, intolerant elephant Muppet who lives in a tastefully appointed closet.

“Okay, so we’re flaming liberals and social engineers with an agenda who have brainwashed a couple of generations of children. So what?” said a Workshop spokesperson.  “Social conservatives have to realize that we already have the kids' hearts and minds and now we’re going to show these reactionary congressional gizmos we mean business.  It’s time to take off the gloves."

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June 15, 2002  

Zero Tolerance a Non-starter for Vatican

DALLAS — Though many attendees at the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops favored a tough ‘zero tolerance’ policy on sex abuse that would defrock a member of the clergy, returning them to the laity for even a single substantive allegation of pedophilia, such a draconian measure had little chance of being approved in Rome.

A Vatican official was quoted as saying, "such rigid policies are not acceptable in an institution like the Roman Catholic Church."

Asked to explain, he said, “American Catholics must understand there’s got to be a sense of proportion. Our highest priority can't be driving out pedophiles from the clergy while we face serious spiritual challenges among the laity like divorce, pre-marital sex, unnatural contraception and missing Easter Duty – all which unequivocally should continue to be punished by immediate excommunication and condemnation to the eternal fires of Hell,” the official said.

Congress “Up to Task” of Quick Reorganization for Homeland Security Dept.

WASHINGTON — With the president's call for a Department of Homeland Security, Congress faces its most dramatic reorganization in more than half a century.

But the leaders of both chambers assured the public and the administration they will “move as fast as legislatively possible” to meet the supreme challenge of protecting American soil.

And to turn up the heat, House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-Mo.) called on Congress to finish by Sept. 11, the one-year anniversary of the tragedy, because “it’s the right thing to do.”

But already on the Hill there are doubters. Though the new department will preside over 14 federal agencies and a $38 billion annual budget, organizing it will be “a piece of cake” compared to restructuring Congressional oversight committees, said one Senate staff member.

“Anything Goes” In the Senate

Senators, eager to show they can act quickly in a time of crisis, said they have “pulled out all the stops” and have already begun the “planning-to-eventually-discuss” phase of creating new committees and a 14th appropriations panel to handle the issue. 

“It’s really an ‘anything goes’ atmosphere here,” said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). “Some of us even plan to eventually suggest a process that may lead to the demise of an existing committee.”

But Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) predicted cooler heads would prevail: “I don’t think so; at least not in the Senate – it just doesn’t happen that way here. You may just as well try to undo a Senatorial comb-over.”

The House in High-Gear

Citing the target date, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) admitted, “The restructuring process may be a little complicated, but I think this chamber is up to the challenge. We’ve already begun to think about talking about discussing a rapid-action reorganization plan.”

Asked for the details, Hastert outlined the process: “Our current provisional approach is still in the planning phase,” he said, “but I can see a fast-track scenario where we select members to form a special task force to head an inquiry, then create several independent advisory panels to hold hearings and recommend multiple-option packages that will be sent to the appropriate existing subcommittees that will hold hearings, then report to various new select committees that will vote to form ad hoc panels that will send their recommendations to form eight to 10 new permanent sub-subcommittees who will report to a joint House-Senate panel that will hold separate hearings before sending the provisional plenary recommendations back to each chamber for review before being sent to two newly created parallel appropriations joint-inquiry subcommittees and a special GAO commission that will form a financial allocation assessment panel to begin the preliminary secondary budgetary markup process.” 

“With such a legislative blitzkrieg, I just hope the Senate can keep up with us,” he added.

According to one staffer, after Congress sets up its committees, it will then only be a matter of appointing members, screening, clearing and hiring staff, and finding office space.”

She admitted meeting this year’s target date might be tricky, but future Sept. 11s are still available and should be very doable. – budgetary constraints, partisan squabbles, special interests and jurisdictional turf battles notwithstanding.”

U.S. Warns Self: Any U.S. Attack on The Netherlands Will Be Met With Massive Retaliation 

AMSTERDAM — Seeking to calm Dutch politicians and citizens who expressed alarm after the Senate approved a measure authorizing use of military force if an American citizen is held by the International Criminal Court in The Hague, U.S. officials said in a statement that they could not imagine such a scenario.

"Obviously, we cannot envisage circumstances under which the United States would need to resort to military action against the Netherlands or another ally," the statement said.

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May 15, 2002

Europe Shocked as Its Citizens Exhibit Human Nature

BERLIN — The assassination of the right-wing Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn and a series of mass shootings at a German school and at legislatures in Switzerland and France have shaken the European notion that such incidents can happen only in America.

Europeans have always assured themselves that, though not as predictable as Canadians, or as lobotomized as Singaporeans, they are at least not like psychotic, gun-toting, bloodthirsty, violence-loving, warmongering, child-eating Americans.

Most shocking for Europeans has been the recent spate of mass killings. In Erfurt, Germany, last month, an expelled student killed 13 teachers, 2 students, a policeman and himself.

“Germans are in a state of shock,” said Klaus Borman, a Bundestag lawmaker.  “Most are asking, ‘How could it happen here?  How could a mass slaughter of innocent human beings happen in a place like Germany?’”

The French, with their peaceful, stable political history, are also ‘shocked, shocked’ that politics in their bucolic land founded by peoples such as the Vandals and Visigoths could take such a violent turn. 

Italians, though not as shocked that a criminal element exists in their society, joined with stunned and grieving French, Dutch, Swiss and Germans in their assessments that their peaceful social utopias have been infected by violent American culture.

Yet Europeans who have traditionally referred to high-crime areas as “a Bronx” or “a Chicago,” and have called acts of violence as “an American situation,” are beginning to see a role reversal of national characters. 

Recently an American talk show host expressed dismay that America is no longer innocent, but is being infected with “sick, depraved, bloodthirsty Euro culture of violence and dark ideologies.”

U.S. -Russia Treaty to Reduce Stockpiles of Cold War-Era Rhetoric

WASHINGTON — The United States and Russia have agreed to a landmark treaty that will substantially reduce the rhetorical arsenals of the two world powers, President Bush said Monday.

"This is good news for the American people today," Bush said. "It will make the world a more pleasant place and put behind us the inflammatory Cold War propaganda and labels of mass denigration once and for all."

Accusatory political rhetoric proliferated in the United States and the former Soviet Union during the Cold War conflict between the Free World and the Enslaved Minions of the Totalitarian Communist Bloc.

Both powers currently have about 6,000 to 7,000 strategic accusatory and derogatory phrases in their arsenals. They would be reduced in the treaty to 1,700 to 2,200, Bush said. The treaty does not cover each country’s large caches of tactical and battlefield superlatives, invectives and defamatory scuttlebutt.

"This treaty will liquidate the nasty legacy of the Cold War and now each of our countries won’t need to resort to harsh words to feel better about itself at the expense of the other,” said Bush, “because we all know that when you call somebody names, you hurt yourself too.”

"We will begin the new era of U.S.-Russian relationship,” said President Vladimir Putin,  “characterized by bland policy pronouncements, ideology-free responses, politically correct platitudes and pleasant sobriquets exchanged between friendly nations."

A key issue in the negotiations was whether powerful tags, such as President Ronald Reagan’s Cold War classic, “Evil Empire,” or the Kremlin’s emblematic, “Yankee imperialist warmonger” would be erased, crushed into single letters to be recycled into diplomatic courtesies or dismantled into individual words and put into storage.  Russia preferred that they be destroyed, while Washington wanted certain epithets and some of the most potent propagandistic catchphrases such as “Red Menace” and “Iron Curtain” put in secure storage to be available in an emergency.

Ashcroft: Terrorists Delude Themselves When They Think God Is on Their Side

WASHINGTON — Attorney General John Ashcroft told graduates in a commencement address at Catholic University that bedrock values such as truth, justice and the American way are under assault from evildoers and the terrorist toadies who do their bidding.

Receiving an honorary degree in Medieval Obscurantism from the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, Ashcroft weaved religious references into his remarks. Ignoring the forefathers and those who died in the Revolution, he shared his divine version of American history, telling graduates that freedom is “not the grant of any government or any prince or king, but it is in fact the gift of God.” 

“In the midst of this assault, we have learned that our values are neither self-executing nor self-sustaining,” said Ashcroft, a lay minister and the son of a Pentecostal preacher. “They must be defended, not just with military might,” he said, but with a crackdown on all who question the clear superiority of Christian-American values.

“Terrorists,” he said, “distrust people like us who are backed by God. Instead, terrorists erroneously think God is on their side, and rely on fear and extortion to force truly righteous people who know Divine Truth to bow to their will.”

“Instead of hope and reason, the terrorist offers fear,'' he said. “For those of us who know God’s terrible justice and self-evident Truth with a capital ‘T’ – rigorously enforced by a vigilant, well-armed populace and backed by the Office of Homeland Security – the way of the misguided zealot offers nothing.”

Since taking office, Ashcroft has been criticized for giving too prominent a role to religion at the Justice Department – including optional prayer meetings with staff before each workday and the sheathing of classical statues in the Dept. of Justice hall whose skimpy togas reveal the human physique.

Accused Shoe Bomber’s Attorneys Employ Casuistry, Sophistry to Dispute Charges

BOSTON — Attorneys for accused shoe bomber Richard Reid have argued that at least one, if not all of the counts of Reid's nine-count indictment should be dropped.

Jailed since his arrest last December, Reid is charged with attempting to ignite explosives packed into his shoes while on an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami.

Attorneys, appearing before Judge William G. Young questioned the charge, "attempted wrecking of a mass transportation vehicle," claiming an aircraft does not constitute a "vehicle" and is not involved in "mass transportation."

“Is a plane really a vehicle if it is not on the ground?  And if it is, do a few hundred people constitute a mass being transported?” asked defense attorneys.

The defense also questioned whether the "attempted" wrecking of a mass transportation vehicle carries a criminal penalty, or if the act actually must be accomplished to qualify.

They then asked whether a shoe bomb is a bomb if it is used as a shoe and, conversely, if it is a bomb, then it isn’t a shoe.  If so, defense argued, the act of blowing up the plane wasn’t accomplished, while the act of being shoeless was and that Reid should be charged with the lesser infraction of wearing improper attire during international air travel.

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April 15, 2002

NASA to Send Teacher, Basket of Puppies into Space in 2004

HOUSTON — Idaho elementary school teacher Barbara Morgan, Christa McAuliffe's backup to fly aboard the ill-fated Challenger space shuttle in 1986, will fly to the International Space Station in 2004, NASA officials announced.

Morgan, 50, has been in astronaut training at the Johnson Space Center since 1998 when then NASA chief Dan Golden announced the resumption of the space agency’s Teachers in Danger program.

The program had been suspended since the 1986 Challenger disaster where McAuliffe and six real astronauts died in a fiery explosion that resulted in a human-interest media feeding frenzy and grounded the space shuttle for nearly three years. 

Responding to critics who called the program a sensationalist media stunt and warned the agency is setting itself up for another public-relations nightmare, NASA spokesman Corky Washburn said, “We are confident that the trauma of the Challenger tragedy is completely behind us. We are ready to move forward.”

NASA decided to stick with Morgan, who trained with McAuliffe for six months and said when picked, “I’m the happiest person in the world. My life has been a fairy tale, and this just adds to my bliss.”

Morgan, a winner of Montana’s “most popular, generous and well-loved teacher” award every year from 1984-1991, has six children – including three handicapped orphans adopted from war-torn nations – and is an animal lover.

She will join a five-astronaut shuttle crew on a mission that will also carry into Earth orbit on thrust generated by hundreds of tons of burning liquid hydrogen and oxygen a basket of orphaned puppies and a gerbil that is the beloved pet of the third-grade class at Arlee Elementary School on the Flathead Indian Reservation where she once taught. 

The program, according to NASA statements “will demonstrate to the American public that space is a diverse, friendly place for all living things, great and small” and is being expanded to include the puppies and, on future missions, baby bunnies, kittens and a fawn.”

Depending on the outcome of the program, future plans are to launch an array of “guest- crew sets” each composed of an empowered minority and a representative of an endangered species, including a sperm whale, a spotted owl and an honest stock analyst, though “the logistics of adapting the shuttle cargo bay and the space station for the larger animals are a bit complicated,” said Washburn.

Pentagon Revives “Big, Dumb, Strong” Bomb Concept

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said the possible use of nuclear-tipped interceptors in the national missile defense system is now on the table. 

The Pentagon experimented with nuclear interceptors in the 1950s and 60s and, for a short time in the mid 70s, deployed an anti-missile system that relied on them. But for unknown reasons, the notion of nuclear detonations going off high above densely populated areas to block incoming missiles proved unsettling for many people. 

If the current “hit-to-kill” approach that depends on interceptors hitting the actual target in a field of decoys launched by an enemy proves unfeasible, military planners want a nuclear alternative that employs widespread blast and radiation to wipe out everything in the vicinity. 

When asked about the rationale behind the approach, Rumsfeld said, “In some cases we like our bombs ‘big and stupid,’ rather than small and smart.”

Since withdrawing from the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, President Bush has given the Pentagon the green light to pursue experimental anti-missile technologies using conventional explosives, but until now officials had shied away from nuclear warheads.

“In an emergency, weapons don’t have the luxury of time to think everything out and get it just right,” said Rumsfeld. “Smart bombs are fine for precision targeting in an unfolding battlefield situation, but sometimes you need an immediate, decisive and overwhelming response; it’s like when some drunk insults your wife and throws a punch at you -- what do you do, take the time to aim your fist at his nose, or do you pick up a chair and wallop the creep with everything you have?” he said.

White House Sees Drilling in Alaska as Answer to Iraq Oil Cutoff, Recession, Killer Bees

WASHINGTON — The Bush administration said that Saddam Hussein's decision to cut off Iraq's oil exports for at least a month, or until Israel pulls out of the West Bank, makes it urgent for the Senate to okay oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR).

"The president knows that ANWR represents 46,000,000 years' worth of oil for any one American’s SUV – the same amount that we just lost from Iraq," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, in a somewhat original assessment of the oil reserves in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Fleischer refused to comment on questions about why the U.S. is buying oil from Iraq in the first place. 

Answering charges of inconsistency in the administration’s energy policy with its vigorous opposition to the recently failed fuel-efficiency bill in the Senate, Fleischer said critics were “dead wrong.  The president thinks Saddam's threat to cut off oil is another reason why our nation needs a comprehensive ‘petal-to-the-metal’ energy-consumption plan that sends a message to the world that we will not be intimidated by threats from evildoers, whoever they may be."

Fleischer also said the president feels drilling in ANWR would go a long way in reversing the recession, aiding the war on terrorism and efforts to stop drug trafficking, lower the deficit, strengthen Social Security, lower the cost of pharmaceuticals for seniors, put more welfare people to work, as well as stop killer bees and teenage drinking, much like last year’s tax reduction act did.”

“The president did not elaborate on his line of reasoning,” he added.

U.S. Military Creates “Indestructible” Sandwich

WASHINGTON — Using a lab accident wedded to the synthetics technology that has given consumers Peeps, Twinkies and high-school cafeteria pizza, military researchers have created what was described by Pentagon sources as an “indestructible” sandwich.

The revolutionary, battle-hardened sandwich meat is made from a new substance called baloneyum, a grayish-pink isotope accidentally created in al high-energy accelerator at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory.

Capable of withstanding temperatures from –250° to 15,000° F, 8 billion p.s.i., reentry into Earth’s atmosphere and the electromagnetic pulse from a nuclear detonation, baloneyum also happens to taste good when eaten on white bread and slathered with mustard. 

“Its source is a mystery at this time, but we think it may be an isotope of Spam that may have been left in the accelerator by lunching technicians,” said Fermilab physicist Brittany Meson.  Spam, a meat-like substance used as a battlefield ration in WW 2, is also known for its high durability and low digestibility.

During trial runs, GIs who have tried to the durable sandwiches have given them a lukewarm reception, dubbing the cold cut “depleted baloney.”

Defense Department officials admit the indestructible sandwiches, with a half-life of over 100,000 million years, could wreak havoc on the digestive tract. “What do you expect?  They’re indestructible,” said Col. Hal Sanders, “of course they’re gonna go down a little hard.  But when you’re out in some stinking hellhole and you’re cold and hungry you’ll be happy just to get something in your belly.”

Promising to revolutionize battlefield cuisine, the potential uses of baloneyum, and another newly discovered isotope, salamium, are limitless.  Military researchers hope to fabricate it as tank and ship armor, as well as to develop edible flack jackets, once researchers can figure out how to mold the totally resilient disks into other shapes.

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March 15, 2002

Terror Hijackers' Visas Tip of Iceberg for Beleaguered INS

WASHINGTON –– Six months to the day after terrorists Mohamed Atta and Marwan Alshehhi flew two jetliners into the World Trade Center, the Florida flight school where they trained received paperwork approving their student visas.

After the INS warned Congressional investigators that more “tardy” paperwork may show up in coming days and weeks, other organizations have reported the recent arrival of notifications approving visas for Pol Pot, Muammar Qadhafi, Carlos the Jackal, Muhammad Omar and a “Sam” Hussein. 

Compounding INS officials' woes, visa rejections and orders of deportation were received for Antonin Dvorak, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Werner von Braun, William Shatner, Madeleine Albright and Albert Einstein.

Canada’s Population Passes 30,000

TORONTO –– Canada's population has passed the 30,000 mark, increasing 4 percent over the past five years, according to the latest census released Tuesday.

The dominion’s current population is 30,007, an increase of 1,160 since 1996. The 4-percent growth over that period was one of the smallest gains since the world’s second-largest country in land area began taking census in 1971.  Prior to that year hand counts sufficed.

Ontario, the most populous province with 11,400 people, or 38 percent of the country's  population, registered an increase of 656 people and represented 57 percent of Canada's total gain. More than half of all immigrants who arrived from 1996 to 2001 settled there, though over half admitted they thought they had moved to the United States.

Census officials found the largest population drop in Newfoundland in eastern Canada. They attribute the decline of the collapse of the fishing industry, inbreeding and death resulting from total lack of mental stimulation. Yukon Territory had a 6.8 percent decline to 80 inhabitants – half of them beavers -- while Northwest Territories a 5.8 percent drop to 14.  “The only thing dropping faster in these parts is the temperature on a summer evening,” said one Statistics Canada official who asked to remain anonymous.

By contrast, the Inuit territory of Nunavut, established in 1999, had an increase of 8.1 percent to 267, though 213 of the new inhabitants classified themselves in the ethnic survey as having “mixed-mammalian ancestry” in the region the size of Western Europe.

Counts for the prairie provinces of Manitoba and Saskatchewan, were not released. When asked about missing population figures, Statistics Canada spokesman Gars McGill refused to comment and abruptly ended the interview.

Fox Doubles Ratings Lead Over CNN

NEW YORK –– After a January in which Fox News Channel beat CNN for the first time, its ratings lead doubled in February, from 170,000 to 395,000 viewers. In February, Fox News averaged 1.21 million while CNN averaged 815,000 prime-time viewers.

Media analysts attributed Fox’s domination to more successful production of superficial and sensational coverage of celebrity scandals, greater emphasis on sexual and violent news content, plus over-coverage of banal and bizarre local events that shamelessly cater to the lowest common demographic. Better-looking, sexy anchors were also a factor, experts said.

Appeals to Protect Soccer Moms, OPEC Sheiks Help Kill Fuel-Efficiency Bill in Senate

WASHINGTON –– Amid apocalyptic cries by auto-industry lobbyists that the American way of life could come to a screeching halt, the Senate voted 62-38 to reject mandating higher fuel economy standards for cars, sport utility vehicles (SUVs) and light trucks.

A shrill debate that included intense lobbying from U.S. automakers fighting the standards and environmental groups supporting them preceded the vote with impassioned pleas from both sides of the aisle to save the SUV.

Opponents offered dire warnings that higher standards would force consumers to drive “three-wheeled European moped monstrosities, probably powered by hamsters” that will have to vie for position on our Interstates with “good old American 18-wheelers” and that it would result in over 3 billion deaths in highway crashes – many of them children. They also predicted that restrictions would reduce the U.S. population to a “bedraggled group of dazed pedestrian root foragers eking a subsistence existence in a barely recognizable American Dark Age.”

The emotional debate at times expanded beyond the area of energy conservation. Teaming up with Michigan Democrat, Sen. Carl Levin, GOP Sen. Christopher Bond (Mo.) offered the Jurassic Death with Dignity Act, "saluting 150 million years of dinosaur domination." The bill called for the complete use of all fossil fuel before other forms of energy are tapped. In a joint statement, both senators, said “when we use oil, we send the message to our children that the “proud dinosaur’s existence, despite their unfortunate fate, was not in vain.”

A bi-partisan amendment was also added to the bill by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that pronounced the rejection of the new standards “a show of good faith to our Persian Gulf allies in the fight against terrorism.”

On the conservationist side, liberal Democrats led by Sens. Barbara Boxer (Calif.) and Paul Wellstone (Mn.) offered an amendment to finance research of a promising new “vegi-mobile,” both made of and powered by compressed organic compost.

“Vehicles made out of rotting vegetables, said Sen. Boxer, “would produce methane. They could consume themselves as fuel, getting up to 400 miles per fender. What better way to wean America off its oil addiction. When your car starts getting too small,” she said, “or say the roof is completely consumed, you could just get a new one – they’d be as cheap as a crate of cabbages.  It’s not just for us, but for the children,” she added.

Declaring U.S. consumers have already made their choice, Sen. Bond responded to liberal “alternativists,” saying, "There are over 50 high-economy foreign Tinkertoys in  showrooms across America today and Americans don't want ‘em. And they don’t want their children in them either. And what’s the hurry?" he explained, “With cold fusion right down the road, there’s no need to be hasty and risk shredding the very fabric of Western civilization – the fundamental constitutional right of every American man, woman and child to big cars and cheap gas. 

Holding up a large photo of a DaimlerChrysler micro-car, Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.) predicted a dire fate if fuel economy standards were raised, "I was over [in Europe], and I saw these cars," he said. "I wondered how I was going to get my 6-foot-2-inch frame into one of these."

Shorter-but-wider Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) also wondered how she or any “super-sized” American would fit and said the vote affected an essential part of daily American life – the family carpool. "Soccer moms and their children want the functional equivalent of a Humvee because of road rage – a Smith & Wesson in the purse isn’t always enough for security nowadays,” she said.

In a four-hour speech, Sen. Zell Miller (D-Ga.) made an impassioned plea asking, “What about our trades folk and farmers, our rural families who rely on their pickups? What about those hard working, filthy citizens who wallow in manure all day and stick their hands up cow’s asses just so we can eat Whoppers and enjoy wholesome dairy products?  Who will speak for them? And who will speak for their children?

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February 15, 2002

Archer Daniels Midland, Philip Morris Vie for Enron Field Renaming Rights

HOUSTON — Agribusiness giant Archer Daniels Midland and tobacco-food conglomerate Philip Morris have both expressed interest in buying naming rights for Enron Field, Houston’s major-league baseball park, named for the bankrupt energy giant until the Astros recent buyback.

Philip Morris, soon to be known as Altria Group, is eager to promote its new image. “This will be a perfect showcase for our new corporate moniker,” said corporate relations vice president, Wendy Winded about her company’s bid to take over Enron's $100 million, 30-year naming deal. 

Archer Daniels Midland spokesperson Herb Wallaherb refused to comment on his company’s bid to take over naming rights.

When asked about the ADM bid, Winded said, “I couldn’t think of two more appropriate companies to name this legendary ballpark – may the best corporation win.”

Ancient Vomit Holds Clues to Dinosaurs’ Social Habits

LONDON — Geologists have discovered the petrified remains of a 160 million-year-old regurgitated meal, the University of Greenwich said Monday.

Researchers said the discovery, found in a clay quarry in Peterborough, England, offers new evidence about the social and culinary habits of extinct marine dinosaurs.

The world's oldest fossilized vomit is believed to have come from an Ichthyosaurus, said University of Greenwich professor of geology, Clive Wortort. The beast is thought to have gorged on deep-fried and breaded squid-like shellfish called belemnites and “most likely washed them down with voluminous amounts of cheap beer.”

Experts have long believed that the reptiles regurgitated inedible parts of the shellfish to avoid chronic indigestion, and possibly because of over drinking -- a process shared by whales and many teenagers today.

And now, according to Wortort, shells found in the ancient vomit prove their theory that “all of these animals, like the supposedly intelligent whales of today, were actually quite detestable, guttural organisms.” 

“They’re better off extinct,” said Wortort.  “After years of studying these low-life types, I can assure you that even if they were equipped with opposable thumbs and given the proper place settings, they would not have been any less disgusting.  To tell you the truth, I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much of my valuable professional time on these vile creatures.”

  WASHINGTON — Asserting the nation’s capital should not be “a hotbed of decadent filth, but a family-friendly town," and citing national security, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered all national landmark statues not tastefully garbed, including the female Spirit of Justice and male Majesty of Law that stand in the Great Hall of the Justice Department, covered in burqas. 

The 10- to 12-foot female statue honoring justice has its arms raised with a toga draped over its body, but a single breast is completely exposed while the male figure has a cloth covering his midsection.

“There’s no excuse that symbols representing such high ideals as justice and law can’t be more modest. Our dear Statue of Liberty is – and she’s French,” said Ashcroft, who announced his dictum during a speech before a new activist group called “Smite Smut in DC.”

When asked, if burqas send the wrong message, he said,  “Sometimes we can even learn from our enemies,” referring the ban of human images and complete shrouding of all females by the former Islamic fundamentalist rulers of Afghanistan, the Taliban. “Besides,” said Ashcroft, “I’m not inflexible.  Once we can get some nice professional outfits for them, the burqas can go,”

Ashcroft also called for a voluntary action by pet owners in the Washington area to put underwear on all shorthaired male dogs.  “For God’s sake,” he said, “children see those dogs in broad daylight in our parks and playgrounds. “

In a related development, amid complaints about a recent television ad for condoms that depicts dogs having sex, Reps. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) and J.C. Watts (R-Okla.) teamed up with Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.) and former second lady Tipper Gore to call for legislation extending sodomy laws banning sex with animals to cover sex between animals. “Your family pet may be a sodomist, and you may not even know it,” said Hyde.  “Well, it’s time we put a stop to that,” he added.

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Evolution's primacy in the nation's classrooms is being challenged again – but this time it’s not creationism.  Rather, the theory of intelligent design will get a hearing next month before Ohio Board of Education, which is in a heated debate over whether established science censors alternative views about the origin of life.

"It's time to rethink our approach," said Deborah Bosombinks, a state school board member and an outspoken supporter of the intelligent design movement.

Adherents acknowledge the scientific fact that Earth is billions of years old, not thousands, as creationists who literally interpret the Bible maintain. They also accept the evolutionary principle that organisms change over time, but dispute the idea that the complexity of the Earth's flora and fauna happened as a result of random chance that Darwin called natural selection. Rather, they contend, an intelligent designer – perhaps the God of Genesis, or perhaps someone or something else, such as a humongous lathe operator, a cosmic computer-code writer or an ethereal galactic decorator – had to get the ball rolling.

"This is not a fringe movement," said Bosombinks, also a professor of Hotel Management at the University of Akron. "And it’s not like we’re threatened by evolution because maybe monkeys do look a little bit like us – I just think,” she added, “that most people need an alternative and will find this theory intellectually refreshing, and that’s good. After all, when I look around Akron, I think, ‘How could this wondrous and orderly world be a matter of pure chance?  It had to be conceived with an eye toward design, a sense of beauty – and unlimited love.’"

NEW YORK — Since the launch of Rosie (formerly McCall’s) last spring, co-publisher Rosie O'Donnell, has used the magazine as her personal confessional, addressing a gamut of problems from her battle with depression to an episode with staph infection.

Now, in the April publication of her autobiography, Easy to Find Me, O'Donnell plans to take her self-examination a step further-by coming out of the closet and admitting in her characteristic candor that she’s actually quite egotistical, self-righteous – and basically quite boorish.

“I think it’s just something I have to share – and owe to my fans,” she said, refusing further comment. 

She also mentions her sexual orientation, “which ought to surprise mostly nobody over 10 years of age,” observed one critic.

According to sources at Rosie’s publisher, G+J USA, O’Donnell also plans to launch a Web site, tentatively titled Too_Much_Information.com.

Clinton White House Gift Investigation Upstaged by Enron Hearings

WASHINGTON — The Clinton White House gift scandal is back as a congressional committee released new information showing dozens of presents the first couple concealed in their official disclosure report. But thanks to the Enron debacle, it may not generate the usual attention that only the Clintons can garner.

The yearlong House investigation concludes the Clintons never revealed gifts that included Ferragamo silk ties, imported suits, watches and Ming Dynasty jewelry given during their White House tenure. This is a follow-up of a previous investigation that found they had lifted Lincoln-bedroom pillowcases and bathroom towels, White House corn-cob holders and butter knives, plus two boxes of Oval Office staples, printer paper, ink cartridges, a full bottle of horseradish and all the light bulbs in the West Wing. 

The House Special, Ongoing and Permanent Subcommittee on All Scandals Clinton, currently led by Rep. Doug Ose (R-Calif.), is slated to release its latest report as it opens its hearing that, he promises, “will reveal every last juicy detail on each and every gift.”

Among the most shocking revelations was that official White House records show that most of Monica Lewinsky's gifts to Bill Clinton were never reported anywhere.

The Clintons were chastised last year after their official disclosure report submitted when they left the White House showed $190,000 worth of gifts – including his-and-her boxing gloves, a riding crop and a somewhat shocking African fertility talisman.

Some of the gifts were to the White House and therefore were property of the National Park Service. The Clintons later returned some of those gifts but were told they could keep the idol, boxing gloves and whip.

Other gifts included two “totally New Jersey-mob” coffee tables and chairs totaling over $7,350 given by Denise Rich, whose fugitive husband Marc Rich was pardoned by President Clinton in the final days of his administration.

Rep. Ose regretted the Enron hearings were getting the lion’s share press coverage.  “This latest Clinton investigation is all about influencing government officials with gifts and dishonest accounting practices – not to mention just plain old larceny,” but I guess we’re just victims of bad timing.”

The subcommittee is also looking into allegations that Arthur Andersen has been hired by the Clintons to re-tally the under-reported gift value.

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January 15, 2002

PETA Denies Role in “Animal Cracker Liberation” Attacks on Supermarkets

WASHINGTON, Jan. 15 — Despite their assertion that all of the species represented in the classic children’s snack Animal Crackers are endangered, animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) today denied any association with the obscure radical splinter group, Biscuit Liberation Front (BLF), who have launched what they call an “all-out offensive to stop the ruthless slaughter of all edible emulated species.” 

PETA, though officially condemning the actions of radical BLF activists who attack supermarkets, remove all the Animal Crackers and empty the boxes of the famous snack animals in the nearest forest, said the organization sympathizes with the goals of the extremists.

“Most people don’t think twice about ingesting these supposed 'crackers,' but most don’t realize the horror when they savagely bite into and decapitate helpless and inanimate cracker elephants, lions and zebras who can’t even run," said PETA spokesperson Kimberly Stick. “Well, we want to get the word out that cracker animals feel pain too, as well as bring global attention to the horribly crowded conditions faced by the little creatures in their cracker-box cages.” 

Salt Lake City Hopes Winter Games
"Demythologize" City's Image

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah, Jan. 15 — “Salt Lake City is not Saudi Arabia,” said Sandy Smith, spokesperson for the mayor’s office, announcing the numerous exhibitions and festivities that will be sponsored by the city during the Olympic Winter Games.

Hoping visitors will ignore the polygamy associated with both Brigham Young, the founder of the Mormon Church and some fundamentalist Muslims, including Osama bin Laden, the city plans numerous events, including “Caffeine Daze,” sponsored by Starbucks, and the famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing a medley of ‘N Synch’s greatest hits. “We plan to show the world that “Utah rocks and that Salt Lake City is every bit as hip as Seattle – minus the grunge,” she said.

Addressing Utah’s polygamy stigma, she said, “We hope, to educate visitors who visit historical landmarks, showing them the modern Church is more than the product of a crazed 19^th-century sci-fi religious cult that was run out of numerous communities and forced to flee halfway across America until it found a place to set up shop and dominate the local population with its paranoia and puritanical values.”

Officials hope visitors will be able to put into perspective this curious aspect of Mormon life when they visit the Beehive House, Young’s 1854 family home, and learn that he lived here with only one of his 27 wives.

The Greening of the Universe

WASHINGTON, Jan. 10 — “The universe is green,” two Johns Hopkins astronomers announced at last week’s meeting of the American Astronomical Society held in Washington.  “Sort of the turquoise-aquamarine color so popular for 1950s household appliances.”

The statement by was immediately lauded in statements issued by groups that include the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, the Green Party, perennial New York mayoral candidate Mark Green, the U.S. Mint, Kermit the Frog, former Minnesota Vikings coach Dennis Green, the NYSE, the PGA and the American Council on Islam, among many others. “Finally everybody’ll understand what I go through every day as a green being,” said Kermit.

Activists from both the Black and Gray Panthers, the Rainbow Coalition and a group led by prominent activist Al Sharpton staged demonstrations outside the hotel where the AAS meeting was held. The White House issued a statement by President Bush who said, “Though green may be a very nice color, my universe is red white and blue.”

BALTIMORE, Jan. 11. Seeking to clarify the controversy generated by the “green universe” theory associated with their university, the Johns Hopkins Department of Astrophysics issued a statement saying the universe is “inclusive and actually contains all the colors of the rainbow, not to mention the whole electromagnetic spectrum, and that it is no accident it rhymes with diverse.”

CNN Chairman Denies Paula Zahn’s “Sexiness”

NEW YORK, Jan. 14 -- A terse statement issued today by CNN chief Walter Isaacson, responding to criticism about an ad accidentally run by the cable network last week that called recently-acquired CNN news anchor Paula Zahn “just a little sexy,” declared her to actually be "utterly, completely and totally devoid of sexuality"

When asked to clarify the statement, a confidential source at CNN said, “What I think he is trying to say is: Zahn’s smart, savvy and a damn good journalist-anchor, but sexy – yeah, sure, if you think Janet Reno is sexy. And let’s just say Paula Zahn was sexy – hypothetically that is – so what?  So what if it brings in a few more viewers to see what a wonderful journalist she really is.”

Bush Administration Program Looks to Distant Future for New Energy Source

DETROIT, Jan. 11 – Transportation Secretary Spencer Abraham announced at the opening of the 2002 Auto Show here that the Bush administration would redirect funding from the $1.5 billion Partnership for a New Generation of Vehicles into a new program, the Warp Drive Vehicle Initiative. WDVI will replace the Clinton-era program, which was aimed at quadrupling fuel economy by the middle of the decade and championed by former vice president, Al Gore. The program has come under close scrutiny by the current administration. 

“Rather than waste time tinkering with cosmetic fixes like lighter materials and aerodynamic designs, we’re going for the gold,” said Dept. of Transportation spokesman Hal Fuume, describing the program’s goal to eventually replace internal combustion car engines with matter-antimatter power plants. “When these come on line around 2095, materials and aerodynamics won’t matter much since you’ll be able to go from Boston to Dallas in 13 minutes.”

“We realize the production technology for antimatter isn’t even in its infancy. That’s why we’re aiming for late in this century -- give or take,” said Fuume. “Just about when we run out of oil; it’ll be there. Our rationale is use what you have first, while preparing for the distant future.  We see it as a compromise that will surely make all players – except maybe the eco-extremists – in the energy vs. environment debate happy. It’s simple,” he said, quoting President Bush: “We can still use fossil fuels, preserving jobs while insuring new forms of energy for future generations born after all those dead dinosaurs are finally smoked out of their holes and burned.”

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