Amending the U.S. Constitution is no easy task, and thankfully so.
Below are some proposals that have been offered as ways to adjust our
wise and venerable document to the modern world. These proposed
amendments tend to reflect the uncompromising agendas of
various special interest groups whose goals are to rewrite our
most important document to make their preferences and
demands the law of the land. One thing is for sure: they tell
us much about their backers, as well as the times in which we live.

Anti-Desecration

The right of the people to be secure at their Televisions from any
and all usage and depiction, by cheesy local advertisers, of George
Washington, Abraham Lincoln or any former President of the
United States, with the exception of the persons of Franklin Pierce
and Gerald Ford, to promote, advocate or advertise Presidents’
Day white sale spectaculars.

No Officeholder, nor Citizen, who seeks political or social validation
by a public demonstration of patriotic values to elevate their person
above their fellow Citizens, and or opponents and enemies, shall wrap
their person, in time of peace or war, with the Flag of the United States
of America. Such action will be considered a social disgrace and call
for severe verbal rebuke and utter disdain by all Citizens of the Republic.

Religion

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,
but shall be able to set an upper weight limit of 1,000 pounds to be
applied to all public monuments considered to be symbolic of, or
bear a religious message.

Social Nuisance

	No person in a public or private workplace shall be held, nor obligated to suffer the attentions of, nor stand with such attendees acknowledging for another the annual change of age; nor shall any person’s presence be required for any impromptu celebration, or to take part in the collection and creation of witty notes on birthday cards, sing or clap, or eat cake and or other sweet meats as required of so-called Office birthday-party rituals, without fear of loss of livelihood and attachment of social stigma.
	A well-rounded, intelligent and articulate President, with a sense of historical perspective, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to hear the word “nuclear” pronounced correctly and clearly, shall not be infringed.
	No more than one drum solo, not lasting more than 59 seconds of duration, and no bass solos, shall be held on jazz or rock recordings on any Media produced, manufactured, imported into or publicly aired in the United States, or any place subject to its jurisdiction as of the date of ratification of this amendment – or sooner if possible.
	Excessive personal criticism shall not be required, nor excessive derision imposed, nor cruel and unusual observations about the degree of patriotism, nor aspirations of treason, be inflicted on members of the Dramatic or Musical Arts who indulge in opinions opposite, and or critical of the decisions and policies of the executive administration enjoying current tenure in Office.
	The right of the people to be secure at their Televisions against the unreasonable, out-of-context, and memory-manipulating employment of popular music, current and from previous decades not dating before 1950, by Advertisers and other promotional agents, in order to draw unreasonable, emotional, nostalgic associations targeted at any and all demographic groups with the goal of promoting, advertising, marketing, vending or otherwise advocating all classes of consumer products and services – especially cars, fast food and yeast-infection products – offered over the commercial Media.

Fiscal Constraints

In times of excessive deficit from short-sighted tax cut policies
advanced for political gain by ideologues hell-bent on hobbling the
Federal Government while simultaneously launching expensive overseas
military adventures, including regime overthrows and nation building
without exit strategies, the Third Amendment shall hereby be suspended
and Soldiers shall, in times of peace and war, in order to conserve sparse
federal funds, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the
Owner, in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Political Fairness

	No former President, nor Spouse thereof, shall be held to answer for any and all capital, or otherwise infamous crimes, and any and all political problems, social annoyances and cultural maladies besetting the United States and the World more than once per half hour by Pundits on Conservative talk Radio and cable Television programs.
	Excessively extreme statements about the fate of the Earth, or of the Climate by Environmental activists, every time a new technology that isn’t solar or organic is developed, shall not be advised, nor be given undue airplay by the Press. When possible, cruel and unusual punishment in the form of a prudent verbal slapdown shall be inflicted.
	Excessively extreme, inflammatory statements about the unraveling of Society, or of Earth's eventual Biblically ordained doom by Evangelicals every time a new social fad is evidenced, or a natural disaster or human-made calamity occurs, shall not be given undue airplay by the Press. When possible, cruel and unusual punishments in the form of a prudent verbal slapdown shall be inflicted.
	Liberal Media organizations and Pundits are required to acknowledge the existence of the Second Amendment as a valid part of the Bill of Rights; and that acts of terrorism can also be carried out by leftist militants.
	Conservative Media organizations and Pundits are required to acknowledge the existence of the First Amendment as a valid part of the Bill of Rights; and that acts of terrorism can also be carried out by right-wing and Christian fanatics.
	All Special Interest Groups shall not be allowed to ascribe general blame, nor file Frivolous Class-Action Suits against Persons, public Trusts or Corporations in order to financially paralyze and or abridge any personal or public Liberties with the goal of engineering society to their comfort level. Return to the top of page Home

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