HFH’s
2002
Predictions That Did (and
Didn't)
Come True
February 2, 2003
Unfortunately we forgot to publish
our predictions
last January, so readers will have to take our word for it that these
prognostications were made before they happened. To show good faith, we
are adding some of our predictions that didn't come true.
Science / Technology
Flesh-eating bacteria will not
initiate their planned invasion this year.
No asteroids will collide with
Earth in the first, or last six months of 2002
There will be no UFO mass
abductions of whole cities in the continental U.S.
Legal
Engaging in torts will join
inhaling tortes as a favorite pastime for the chronically obese in 2002.
Politics
The public will get to know
Trent Lott a lot better
Strom Thurmond, exactly five
years after his death, will retire from the U.S. Senate.
The Democrats, in a brilliant
tactical move, will lay low in the November 2002 elections,
allowing the GOP to take control of every branch of the federal government.
The GOP, falling for their
clever gambit, will fight hard to win every election, take
decisive control and advance their
conservative agenda for the next two years.
Foreign Affairs
Saddam Hussein will top the
White House’s “Evilest of the Evils” list for the
duration of 2002.
Osama bin Laden, thought dead
by many, will reappear on al Jazeera, and in a statement
of defiance announce:
“To the American Satan Bush, I ask: What about me? What am I,
chopped
hummus?”
Kim Jong Il, brandishing a
growing nuclear capability, will ask the same question and be
seen as a “major
creepoid” by most Americans.
The Economy
The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P
arrows on cable TV tickers will point up and turn green, then
point down and
turn red, then point up green, then point down red – every day, again
and
again, over and over throughout 2002.
National Security
The Homeland Security code
will turn yellow, then orange, then yellow, then orange, then
yellow -- again and again, over and over, throughout 2002
Sports
After having turned his back
on the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, it will become
apparent by Super Bowl XXXVII that Jesus has completely switched his loyalties to
teams with nasty-boy
pirate themes, causing a great spiritual crisis for Christian
fundamentalists, especially devout Rams quarterback Kurt Warner.
NFL officials will be told by
the league that they can only flip a coin to pick the kickoff
team, and not to
decide on whether or not to call a penalty.
Lifestyle & Culture
Deep-fried pork
& beans on a stick will not become the next big American fast-food fad.
Extreme
yoga will fail to catch on as America's next health and fitness craze.
Media
For another year, Americans
will fail to notice CBS’ Monday night comedy lineup is really
not that funny.
FOX News, by providing a
long-needed forum for the seldom-heard conservative
viewpoint, will trounce CNN in the ratings, demonstrating
that news coverage by
antagonistic administration apologists beats pseudo-objective Hillary-loving
liberal
weenies, every time.
FOX News will also lead a
trend where all networks will eventually not allow female news
anchors to
sit so we can get a better look at their legs.
…And
a Few We Got Dead Wrong
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President Bush will reveal
genuine curiosity about something, anything.
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The new 24 series
on Fox will actually have an original plot line this time.
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Will & Grace
will get better and funnier.
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Congress will pass the
National Gooey Lands Preservation Act, which will place all
environmentally sensitive bubbling,
oozing tar bogs off limits to developers.
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A self-help book, The
All-Cap’n Crunch Miracle Diet, will be written by Jared,
the Subway sub-swilling bulimic.
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As the threat of
air-breathing fish ebbs in Florida, a new menace – water-breathing
hyenas – will invade Lake Huron.
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Volkswagen will introduce
an SUV Bug.
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Bottled goat milk will
become this year's bottled water.
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| President
Bush will tell Americans that in these trying times, they must choose
between clean air and school prayer.
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Al-Jazeera will switch its
format completely to entertainment-news.
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Intense competition in the
fast-food industry will push McDonald’s to introduce
their first outlet
modeled on big-box stores. At "Mickey Dee’s Mega-Snaxx
Depot," consumers
will back their SUVs into a warehouse to stock up on
Quarter-Tonners, All-Day Shakes in five-gallon drums and be able to “cargo-size”
their orders of fries.
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AOL Time-Warner will
change its name to ALL Time-Warner.
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Reality shows will be
pulled off every network as sagging ratings reveal Americans
are looking for
substance and intelligence in their television programming. |
