HFH
Investigative Report
Cosmic Copy Cats
July 2003
Since
1947, the
U.S. military has been studying crashed alien
spacecraft to uncover the secrets of highly advanced extraterrestrial civilizations. After much study, it seems E.T.s may
not be all that
smart after all.
Artwork by Kenneth Silber
Most
people are aware of the 1947 crash, and subsequent government
cover-up, of an alien spacecraft in the New Mexican desert outside of the town of
Roswell. It is a widely held view that the wreckage and bodies are held
in a secret hangar in Area 51, the Air Force's covert base, and that autopsies were performed there, as well
as attempts to reverse
engineer the spacecraft and its technology. Conspiracy theorists believe this
effort over the decades has rendered devices and consumer items ranging from stealth technology
to Chia pets and from Velcro and laser pointers to microchips and multicolor toothpaste.
But the public hasn't heard about all the other
aliens who have crashed here; it seems intelligent extraterrestrials are not always
that intelligent. A
closer examination of these alien carcasses over the years has revealed that in
most cases we
are not visited by the best and the brightest E.T. civilizations have to
offer.
Now researchers fear alien minds of
lesser power have been exposed to the baser temptations of our world and that cultural
cross-pollination has been occurring on a galactic scale. Some
scientists have even suggested that many of these unfortunate E.T.s who have crashed
here may have been on cosmic joyrides, making frequent visits to Earth, addicted to many of our world's
more questionable vices and consumer items.
Recently HFH has obtained from
an unnamed government source copies of
personal snapshots found in a wallet-type capsule embedded under a recently
downed alien's Gore-Tex skin that gives us a glimpse of life on distant worlds.
Bad day on Betelgeuse 7
Most experts agree the pained look on what appears to be
the facial area of
these
unidentified beings suggests great reluctance at having to take part in an annoying
non-native
ritual, possibly attending an office birthday party or a gallery viewing of some kind of modern
art; both theories offer credible explanations for their apparent distress.
I know you're out there, I can sense your
cortico-membranes
throbbing.
It seems stand-up comedy is no longer limited to earthly
nightclubs. The erector-like
structure delivering untested one-liners for cowardly alien comedians is automated and
fortified to resist
projectile criticism in the form of acidic nodules, possibly
hurled by the
red spores that make up this apparently very tough crowd. The contents of a
DVD-like
device have been roughly translated, allowing us to sample otherworldly humor:
"But I'll tell ya, I just got back from Reticula
6. What a wild scene that
place is. I mean, how
many of its megalocephalic cephalopods does it
take to screw in an isotropic-illuminator? None — they don't
screw in
isotropic illuminators, they screw in gamma-matrix hot tubs.
But seriously folks, being
impaled on the serrated spikes left behind as
a defensive barrier by the
TransGromok Empire was a pain in the beta-thorax
— and let me tell ya, that's no picnic when each tentacle has multifibrous
filaments..."
Do they have nicotine
patches or gum?
Experts have long been baffled by this image.
Is the
cigarette-like protrusion
on the blue being a proboscis, a sensory organ or some kind of disturbing genitalia?
Recent theories suggest it is indeed a cigarette, most likely imported from Earth. This
being may be
some kind of E.T. teenage female, or possibly an office nicotine pariah,
condemned to stand outdoors, braving 400-kilometer-per-hour methane
winds and heavy doses of ultraviolet radiation just to satisfy its filthy habit.
The floating Swiss-cheese-like object has been determined to be
—
floating Swiss cheese.
His fifteen sidereal minutes?
Assuming the image it isn't upside down, this
distant world has two large moons, cobalt
mountains and a liquid-chlorine atmosphere. The highly sanitized being atop the
organic
platform may be performing karaoke, or perhaps appearing on a program
they repeatedly
refer to in their ship's log as Antarian Idol. Researchers theorize the
owner of this image may
have been a repeat visitor to
Earth, coming in response to TV broadcasts after concluding our
planet abounds with
opportunities to perform without any appreciable talent.
The toothbrush-like object is most likely a
toothbrush.
If it's Star Date 6.888.335679-02, then this must be Times Square
This alien tourist family, apparently vacationing in New York City, poses
with a
member of the long-running Broadway tourist spectacle, Cats. This snapshot has
puzzled experts because it suggests that no matter how technologically advanced
a
civilization is, its tourists tend to be dumber, dress funnier and are more easily
impressed by cultural mediocrity and social trivialities than the general population.
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