Heisenberg's Fun House
                                                                                               2004
                                                                                               www. uncertaintypark.com  

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Rejected Consumer Warning Labels 

October 2001

HFH has uncovered various product warnings created by the U.S. Product Safety Commission, or by skittish corporations who fear frivolous lawsuits.  Here is a sample of those that were considered, but not issued -- at least not yet:

WARNING: During long-duration calls, phone earpiece may become warm. If overheating occurs, user should immediately switch ears. If overheating develops in fresh ear, switch phone back to original ear. Continue process until termination of call. At end of call, immediately pull phone from ear and hang up.  Do not induce vomiting.

WARNING: Popsicles and other icy treats have been linked to a condition known as brain-freeze. To minimize the possibility of any discomfort or stimulation whatsoever during ingestion, popsicle should be heated over a stove at low, or put in a microwave until liquid reaches body temperature.  If brain-freeze should still occur, stop eating immediately. Carefully check inside of cheeks for ice chunks that might be lodged there. Do not induce vomiting.

DANGER: Power routers should not be used in a filled swimming pool or bathtub. If electrocution occurs, turn off power immediately and reschedule your project for a later time. Apply CPR and seek immediate medical care. It is highly recommended that user should drain pool or tub before attempting to use this device again. Do not induce vomiting.

WARNING: Chew corn carefully, kernels may become wedged between your teeth. If kernel wedging occurs, avoid agitation and continue chewing. Perhaps add more butter to remaining corn.  Finish cob, then excuse yourself and find a private place where you can use a toothbrush, dental floss or a toothpick to remove kernel particles. If possible, immediately flush mouth with water after flossing and brushing.  Dry any excess liquid off lips.  Return to table and have another ear. If wedging recurs repeat above steps. Do not induce vomiting.

WARNING: Rinse dishes thoroughly. Ingestion of small amounts dish soap may result in bitter aftertaste. If such ingestion occurs, induce vomiting.

DANGER: When discharging a handgun, keep open end of barrel pointed in direction opposite your head and toward your target, or as close to target as conditions permit.  If you are not sure which barrel end discharges the bullet, do not fire the weapon until you consult an expert at your nearest dealer or NRA field office. Massive bleeding may occur in certain types of targets after shooting and may induce vomiting in gun user.

ATTENTION: Do not remove this government warning tag under penalty of law. If  tag is removed, do not ingest it. If tag is ingested, induce vomiting, return the regurgitated tag remains to your local law enforcement authorities and turn yourself in for arrest.

WARNING: This delicious-looking, bright-green antifreeze should not be ingested internally. If ingestion occurs, do not induce vomiting. Consult a physician or Poison Control Center. (That’s what we are required to tell you. Actually, between you and us, why waste your time with those do-gooder clowns? This is very nasty stuff.  To be frank, we suggest you vomit your brains out, do anything else you have to, and hope to God Almighty your inevitable and imminent demise isn’t horribly painful as your insides are singed by this highly corrosive substance. Others should try to make you as comfortable as possible after the hours of violent, gut-wrenching convulsions subside and your pupils dilate as you slump to the ground, falling into an intense and delusional fever where you will see horrific and hellish aberrations and experience terrifying hallucinogenic nightmares that may include dancing cheese graters and Monty Hall in an evening gown….