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Excerpted from So Sez Jabez

by Melvin C. Peeville

Chapter One

(continued from page 1)... Still, many dutifully attend religious services to contemplate eternity. There they hear tired reiterations of the ancient “truths.” But how does what comes down from the pulpits -- whether it be the threat of fire and brimstone or the feel-good, love-thy-neighbor pablum -- prepare one for the economic realities of modern life? 

Enter Jabez. When we recite his prayer, we realize he says more in 32 words than all the other so-called prophets together spewed in their dreary, pitiful lifetimes. 

Before I go on, I think it is fitting to start with a parable – not one that takes place in ancient times with dazed and confused peasants wandering, mad with sunstroke, in irrelevant desert wastelands.  Rather, it takes place in the contemporary world, in a more familiar wasteland – Washington D.C. 

An American Parable

As was tradition, Jesus Christ would visit the White House to bestow his spiritual guidance upon the person who had taken the helm the world’s most powerful land. During this visit, the new president, son of a president, was quite excited at the prospect of meeting a fellow son of a chief executive -- though one with a much longer term. 

During the photo-op, the impetuous young president took the opportunity to ask the Lord and Savior a question he had been warned to avoid by his staff: "Good Master, what must I do to gain eternal life?"

It had been many years since an American president had asked Jesus a question of such import and the Great Teacher eagerly replied, "When you call me good you are really calling me God, for God alone is truly good. But to answer your question, you can get to heaven if you keep the Commandments."

"Done,” said the boy-president, not one for long-winded answers. “So that’s it then. I’m in.”

“No.” the Son of God told him,

“Knew there was a catch,” thought the leader of the Free World.

"Yes there is,” said the telepathic prophet. “If you want to be perfect, go and sell everything you have and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me."

The chief of staff muttered, rolling his eyes, “I knew we shouldn’t have invited him – the guy’s a loose canon.”

“He’s only going to embarrass us,” whispered the press secretary, already thinking how he would “clarify” Jesus’ subversive statements.

“He’ll fall into his trap if he debates him,” thought the chief of staff, but it was too late.

“You’re kidding – right?” exclaimed the chief executive. “I mean, with all due respect, I campaigned against welfare and all that redistributionist stuff.  Compassion’s one thing, but look around ya -- you’re in the Christianest nation on this Earth.  Read our coins -- we trust in ya. Listen to all our evangelistic TV shows. We spend billions smokin' out evildoers.  And, tell ya what, we faithful know it was your dad, and not some random chance from mixing it up with monkeys and cloning, that made us the fine human folks we are today.” 

“Yes,” considered Jesus. The saying is true: “I bless America.”

Thinking damage control, the press secretary heaved a sigh of relief, grateful for Christ's throwaway sound bite that he could use later for the press conference, 

But suddenly the inexperienced president blurted, “Then why attack the basis of our strength -- a free market, private property, the unfettered accumulation of capital that makes America the strongest nation on Earth?”

Jesus listened and smiled, repeating his wisdom: "If you want to be perfect, go and sell everything you have and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me."

But the neophyte chief executive had not yet learned the fine art of diplomacy and was not going down without a fight. “And what’ll happen if I keep my wealth, but perform good works -- say I do something philanthropicalistic, or save Social Security, like all those Democrats are always braggin' on?” he asked defensively.

Jesus laid his hand on the leader’s head and said, "It is almost impossible for a any rich man, especially a Republican, to get into the Kingdom of Heaven – even with the maximum allowable charity donation write-offs, I say it again, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a member of the GOP to enter the Kingdom of God!"

The chief of staff whispered, “There go 15 points in the polls.” 

This clearly partisan remark confounded the boy-president, putting him on the defensive.   "But we’re the party of the religious right.  And we’ve got no time for godless Marxists and them agnostic, moral-relativist liberal types. If not us, then who in the world can be saved?" he pleaded. “Surely not Gore or Daschle.”

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, no one. But with God, everything is possible."

The boy-president was deeply troubled by what he had heard, for he has always thought his good fortune was his reward for his faith.  And feeling like he was a good Christian -- no matter what Christ said -- he was faced with the greatest dilemma of his life. Not given to contemplation, for it would only make his head hurt, he immediately concluded he would stick by his guns and not give up his wealth and station in life.

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“I’m very sorry poppy, but I’ve decided to forsake Jesus,” he announced solemnly to his elder, who had also been visited by the Savior when he was the American leader. 

The elder statesman sighed and said, “I did not speak with you of this, for it was your decision son, and I have waited for you to make such an entreaty -- for I believe you are ready to hear the Truth, at this juncture.”

Now the president, who had feared his elder’s wrath, became thoroughly confused, but such a state was not a strange one for his dad to behold in him.

“I feared you might have fallen for his wiles, but I see your first loyalty is to your class. Now listen and learn, for we cannot allow the commoners to know -- it would cause social disorder and spiritual chaos if they found they unwittingly worship a redistributionist hippie. You see son, Jesus was just a scraggly peasant cult leader who really needed a bath, shave and a good course in economics 101 before he set out to save the world.”

The boy-president was shocked. “But you’re talkin’ about the Savior of Mankind.”

“Son, I’ve always admired your simple, fervent faith and had to be sure of your instincts before I told you the Truth,” said the elder president. “Now read my lips:  Jesus preaches voodoo economics. He may as well be one of those greenie WTO protesters.  Think boy -- if you can only get to heaven by giving up your wealth, how about the poor who get it -- won’t they then be too rich to get into heaven themselves? Won’t they have to find other poor people on whom to dump their wealth?  I mean, it’s sort of a trickle-down trip to hell for the folks who’re left holding the moneybag.”

The novice president's head spun. “Why don’t we ask Alan of Greenspan,” he said, “he’s a real wise Jew-boy too  – just like Jesus.  He’ll know what to do.”

“No son, for like Jesus, he is a dour soul who rarely bears good tidings.  Now it is time to learn about the one who can really help you develop your fiscal spirituality –

The elder-president produced a small book.  “Know Jabez, son.  He’s the legal advisor to the pope in Rome, as well as every world leader and captain of industry from Alexander Putin to Ken Lay.  Mr. Jabez gave us richies an E-ticket to heaven, no matter what that self-appointed earth-biscuit “Savior” said.

I repeat, know Jabez, for his prayer is our prayer, for Jabez called on the God of Israel. Now repeat this again and again until it is part of your very consciousness:

    "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your
     hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I
     may not cause pain.”

The young American leader obeyed, and was soon chanting the wonderful prayer. Like pumping ethereal iron, he grew more powerful with each repetition.  “I am real impressed and it feels right. But what does it mean?” he asked, pounding his chest and strutting like a rooster. 

“It means,” said his father, “we can do anything – ANYTHING – we damn well please, with no spiritual blowback!  And I mean anything! 

“But Jesus said –“

‘Enlarge my territory!’ – Think about it son.” 

"It sounds right to me, that's why I like it," he said, smiling. "But Jesus --"

“I told you, forget him. It's what Jabez sez, that counts. His prayer has been thoroughly analyzed by bible scholars and legal experts.  It’s the mother of all spiritual loopholes. We read it as a green light from the Big Boy Above to run this place – and the bigger, the better. Bottom line: we can be winners down here AND keep our eternal membership in the big country club in the sky. 

“Yee-ha,” exclaimed the boy-president. “Now I know why I like him. I just wish ol’ Jay-Bezy was alive and kickin' right now – I think I’d make ‘em our new Fed head, or even a Supremey.”

“Now you’re thinking Mr. President,” said his proud father, smiling.”

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Chapter Synopses

Chapter Two  Squeezing the Greatest Returns from Retirement Funds
Jabez would recommend we forget bonds and value stocks. Look for instant spiritual dividends, with his aggressive approach to buying the droppings of a bear market.  Move over squeamish traders, in stocks -- as in life -- the here and now trumps the hereafter every time.

Chapter Three  Minimizing Tax Liability
Jabez would say that tax minimization is not a sin; it’s your spiritual duty. He gives you the moral framework, plus some handy, if slightly flimsy tax shelters, so you won’t be “rendering onto Caesar” as Jesus would recommend -- no wonder the guy couldn’t afford shoes! 

Chapter Four  Women! Our Property, Ourselves
What would Jesus say to the modern woman?  He’d say go have baby Christians and spend your short, brutish life baking unleavened bread for your husband.  Jabez would say: “Have more than it all and sooner than now by maximizing your options – spiritually empower yourself with aggressive power prayers for use in the office, home and for social climbing. 

Chapter Five  Men! Expanding Your Sexual Territory
Calling all Men!  Don’t let today’s repressive sexual climate stop you. You’ve got work to do on an evolutionary scale. Jabez knew: spreading the seed is what any successful species is all about.

Chapter Six  Social Relations & Personal Skills
Sure it’s nice to be nice, but it’s nicer to be successful.  Don’t let those Hollywood movies fool you. Jabez knew: power and money brings happiness, and plenty of successful friends.  And when those powerbrokers and glitterati come to be seen at your palatial estate, you’ll be able to entertain them the way you all have become accustomed.

Chapter Seven  Keeping Christ in Perspective – and at a Safe Distance.
After accepting Jabez, is there room for Christ? -- Maybe in Wallyworld, or a padded room.  Jabez may have asked: “Should we accept Christ into our lives?"  Perhaps, but if we do, we should treat him as we would any telemarketer.

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