Ask
Osama -- Advice for the Faithful
HFH looks at
terrorist Osama bin Laden's early career as a syndicated newspaper
lifestyle-advice
columnist.
According
to his fans throughout the Persian Gulf region: "No matter what the
question was, whether it be about gardening, cooking or fashion tips, Osama
always had the answer."
Ask
Osama
Advice for the Faithful
HFH's
exclusive report on terrorist-murderer Osama bin Laden reveals his little-known stint in the early 1970s as a popular,
though somewhat controversial syndicated lifestyle-advice columnist who was
carried by many Persian Gulf region newspapers. In Ask Osama -- Advice for
the Faithful, bin Laden dispensed advice on everything from gardening to fashion to
cooking. Close scrutiny shows that even then certain radical tendencies had
begun to emerge. Here are some excerpts from his column that appeared from
May 1973 and ran until its abrupt cancellation in October 1975.
May 1973
Dear Osama,
I have been
having this problem with my lawnmower. It stalls out easily in hot weather and
thus it takes over three hours to cut my small lawn. Any ideas?
-- Oppressed in Basra
Dear Oppressed,
You need more gas, my friend, much more gas. Procure 400
five-gallon containers and fill all of them at the local imperialist Exxon
station. Place all 400 containers on your lawn attached to a small explosive
device with a timer, then leave with haste (or, if you wish, stay and become a Lawn Martyr
for Allah). You will never have to waste valuable time cutting your lawn
again.
November 1973
Dear Osama,
My VCR is about
five years old and we lost the remote control. I bought one of those
"Universal Remotes" at our local Qa-Mart this month, but all it does is raise
and lower the volume. I cannot rewind with it, nor can I change channels with it
-- I can't even turn the darn thing off without having to get off my lounge chair.
Can you suggest a reliable brand of universal remote control?
-- Frustrated in Qatar
Dear Frustrated,
I have had similar problems with my so-called Universal
Remote. You must remember, my friend, that the only true Universal Concept is the
all-encompassing wrath of the Great One and that Satan lives in all that is outside and
impure. Therefore, in my humble opinion, it is best you render Allah's Will with the maximum firepower available. Thirty rounds squeezed off from an AK-47 directly into the picture tube will not only serve to turn off
your set, it will erase the decadent infidel
Hollywood filth it depicts forever.
July 1974
Dear O.,
What's the deal?
Recently I purchased one of those ever-sharp paring knives, but after a week it
was so dull it probably couldn't even cut through warm butter.
-- Enraged in Bahrain
Dear Enraged,
Be aware that the infidels who sold you this corrupt tool sprang from the rotten loins of pagan Western colonialism with its hollow promises of
material eternity. And now it is your glorious duty to visit upon the
manager and his slavish minions the purifying wrath of your Scimitar of
Righteousness. And your boundless faith shall make you deaf to their porcine
squeals for mercy -- for you shall hear in its place the sacred song of Heaven
to sate the insatiable hunger of His Justice as you smite them with the
gutter death of the spiritually depraved that they, their mothers and all of their
filthy heathen ancestors deserve.
TIP TO THE FAITHFUL: Well-cared-for scimitars will remain sharp and
make excellent paring knives if wielded in an enlightened and safety-conscious
manner.
October 1975
Dear Mr. bin Laden,
Should I apply my lip liner before or after my lip gloss?
-- Perplexed in the UAE
Dear Perplexed,
Mother Whore of a Thousand Brothels! Jezebel of a Thousand Ages,
whose filthy womb holds the rotten seed of the son of Noah! I issue a fatwa on
your festering existence. No mercy shall be granted you, soiled harlot,
except the mercy of the Stones of Purity that shall be cast by one hundred
Fathers and Brothers of Honor and Moral Righteousness upon your unclean bosom.
TIP TO THE FAITHFUL: Lip liner and gloss are unholy indulgences,
not to mention real budget busters. A modest burqa, with no accessories, is
always a tasteful look for any and all occasions.
Various Personals:
To M in Cairo: Hack
off his right hand.
To M in Jeddah: Add more hummus and cook over a full, hot flame.
To M in Muscat: Be generous and sincere; show sympathy for her
momentary weakness; buy her a dozen roses; take her out for a nice dinner, then stone
her.
To M in the Occupied West Bank: Yes, you heard right -- that's 72 virgins
for each martyr.
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