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HFH Sports Special The 2001 NFL Player Draft In this age of player prima donnas and salary caps, where does an honest NFL franchise go to find today's Bronko Nagurskis Joe Kapps and Refrigerator Perrys? Six Potential NFL Greats to Watch in the Coming Season It
happens every spring. No, not baseball, but that annual NFL talent auction known
as the player draft. Every year at this time, as warm breezes whittle down the
last of the snow drifts, the sports sections of newspapers and sport magazines
go into a data frenzy, publishing exhaustive lists of college football
prospects, their statistics and predictions on where they will go in the annual
NFL draft. The articles always focus on the same top 20 or 30 players that
everyone knows are shoo-ins to make it in the first couple of rounds.
And just as sure,
every year there are players who seem to come out of nowhere to not only be
drafted by, but star in the NFL. These are the
Cinderella stories that spur the imagination. Some are physically gifted but
from obscure colleges, some are big college athletes but with "troubled
pasts" and others can only be called "special situations." After
exhaustive research by the entire sports writing staff of Heisenberg's Fun
House, here is our my list of the premier "long shots" in this
year's draft.
School:
University of Maryland Strengths/Weaknesses:
Can run the 40-yard dash in 4.3 seconds, laterally on all fours, and in
any direction. LaFarge also has amazing left-hand clutching strength. Analysis:
This player is expected to go late in the draft due to his irrational fear of
sea gulls and long-billed birds, which requires that he play only in domed
stadiums. Games against the Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia Eagles or Atlanta
Falcons may also present a problem. LaFarge's coaches also warn that his
training table must be kept clear of tiny forks and lemon wedges or "all
hell will break loose." Probable Round: 7th
School:
Yale University Strengths/Weaknesses:
Runs the 40 in 4.2. A perfect physical specimen who looks like he was
factory-designed to play halfback. A punishing, but unfortunately introspective
runner whose inconsistency may be attributed to his academic background as a
philosophy major. Analysis:
One of Yale's "Philosophy Twins," Whitman is considered the most
metaphysical player in college ball. Though he gained over 1,000 yards last
year, it was by alternately gaining 200 yards one week and zero the next. A deep
thinker, he has admitted to "being plagued by Zeno's Paradox" and
often cannot convince himself that he can ever reach the open hole in the line,
because first he must travel halfway there, and then the next half of the way
there, and so on -- therefore, as Zeno observed so long ago per the theory, he
can never really reach the line of scrimmage, much less travel beyond it. Probable
Round: 7th Winston
"Big Plato" Bredington (6' 2''; 261 pounds) Strengths/Weaknesses:
A somewhat undersized defensive end with overachieving statistics. Runs the 40
like a man with a stove on his back at 5.6 and benches just over 200 pounds, yet
he
led the Ivy League in sacks and pressures. Bredington is the other member of the
so-called Philosophy Twins (see above) Analysis:
He will claim his stats are the result of hard work and a study of the game. His
opponents will tell you he is simply the most effective intellectual "trash
talker" in Ivy League history. He is notorious for distracting opposing
offensive linemen with philosophical taunts in the middle of the game, positing
theological paradoxes to unwitting opponents such as "If God can do
anything, can he make a football so heavy that even he can't lift it?
But if he can do anything, then shouldn't he be able to pick it up anyway
and throw a Hail Mary pass?" Bredington's specialty is particularly
effective within the field of Hindu mysticism. In this year's annual battle with
Harvard, he was able to convince former All-East Guard "Manny"
Moscowitz that his inner soul was actually an Indian seamstress yearning to sing
show tunes in New Delhi nightclubs. Yale won the game when "Big Plato"
sacked the Harvard quarterback in the end zone while Moscovitz belted out
selections from "Annie" in a badly faked Hindi accent.. Probable
Round: 7th
Gordon
"Gord" Ferguson (5' 11'', 193 pounds) Strengths/Weaknesses:
"Gord" wants to become "the Canadian Deion Sanders," a
legitimate two-sport star. He is already a legend and future Hall of Famer in
his primary sport of curling. On the Saskatchewan Kegs, he is "first
stone" and a star left defensive broom. When the Kegs swept rival Regina
Permafrost 4-0 in the 2000 Championship finals, his broom work was described as
"hypnotic." Analysis:
Football will be a new challenge for Ferguson. Although he runs the 40 in a
slovenly 5.7 on turf, he can run it in 4.0 flat on ice in his curling shoes.
Ferguson's chances of success as a
return man in the NFL will certainly hinge on his pending application with the
commissioner to allow a 3-foot wide "ice lane" along the entire length
of the field. It's his last chance, the CFL has already rejected his
proposal. Probable
Round: 9th
Rdszka
"Risky" Klkvkzka (6' 7"; 370 pounds) Strengths/Weaknesses:
Every year the draft has a "raw talent project" that has the
scouts gaping at pure athletic ability. Klkvkzka's impressive statistics include
2-percent body fat on his mammoth physique, a bench press of 875 pounds and a
time in the 40-yard dash just under 4.5!!! "Risky" was discovered by
Harry "Scoots" Belsto, one of the NFL's premier scouts while he
vacationed in Inner Mongolia. Klkvkzka
has never actually played football, does not speak English and has no knowledge
of Western culture. While attending Mongolia Tech, where he is majoring in
tractor dynamics, Klkvkzka also raises yaks in People's Agri-District No. 7,
near the provincial capital, Ukk-ata Ubuur-ktakkh. Despite his gridiron prowess,
getting Klkvkzka to focus on the game could be a problem as he is wont to pine
for the grassy high plateau of his homeland where yak herding is said to be
"his first love." Analysis:
While acknowledging there will be "some minor hurdles to overcome,"
Belsto enthusiastically claims "Hey, if this guy can wrestle a 1,300-pound
yak into a little red cocktail dress, and I've seen him do it, he sure as hell
can knock Donovan McNabb on his butt!" The league is reportedly not sure
what to make of this comment and is currently studying the situation. Probable Round: 7th
Burton
"Big Boy" Buttons (5' 8"; 475 pounds) Strengths/Weaknesses:
Doesn't run the 40-yard dash at all, so don't ask him. Literally cannot be moved
so no one has gained any yards through the middle of the "Romping
Penguins" line all year. Analysis:
Buttons is expected to go very late in the draft due to need to adjust NFL
guidelines to allow small construction vehicles on the field that are needed to
position him for each play. Also more effective when supported by concrete
footers, which are easily concealed in deep snow of the Alaskan Tundra League
contests. Probable Round: 7th
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