Missing Links  

Those Irrepressible Dot-Coms – Growing, Growing, Gone….

HFH analyzes what went gafizzle with some of the more obscure ISPs that, even in the best e-conomic scenarios, just didn't have a prayer.

March 19, 2001

Wasn't it only yesterday that all of those really smart Wall Street guys with their $75 haircuts, $1,500 suits and serious expressions assured us all that the Internet was the new frontier -- the marketplace of tomorrow where it was impossible for a new company not to make big -- really big -- money in the unsinkable “New Economy.”

The New Economy is at full throttle.
You're riding the wave on a  brilliant idea,
 an aggressive marketing plan, a pile of cash
 and an overpaid team of geek geniuses.
What could possibly go wrong?

The recipe was simple: All it took was a good idea, some ambition, a business plan, a staff of overpaid under-25 computer geeks mistaken as geniuses and that irrepressible American entrepreneurial spirit to chase one's fortune. All we stock purchasers had to do was jump on that broadband-wagon called overnight success.

Yeah, right. Most of us still wince as we sit down to smell the coffee as the "Same Old Economy" reestablishes itself and all those wide-eyed Gen-X Y and Zers get to develop their historical perspective.. But hey, let’s take a little stroll down memory lane and take a closer look at some of those dreams of wealth, driven by equal doses of youthful exuberance and naivety, that never did materialize.

Five ISP Web Sites That Are No More

The Big Idea: If you can click to order pet supplies, why not pets themselves?

Description: This beautifully designed and easily navigable site appeared soon after the early apparent success of Pets.com. The "more" refers to any superficially cute, but fundamentally vicious small mammal under the size of an adult badger. 

Analysis: The entrepreneurs of this "mail order pet" site calculated that if the ferret -- a foul smelling member of the weasel family -- could become a trendy pet, then why not the marmot? Given the general public's recent lack of common sense in trendy pet choices ranging from killer Rottweilers to boa constrictors, this marketing concept may have worked on paper, but the site owners were in for some unfortunate surprises.

First, the idea of a live television ad that had the critters dressed as characters from Wind in the Willows proved disastrous when Mr. Weasel followed his natural instinct upon meeting Mr. Mole. Equally unfortunate was the company's total lack of expertise in shipping these animals that would often arrive, snarling and in a total state of rage, in a cardboard shoebox with no instructions or warning labels.  The media quickly nicknamed the site "lost fingers 'n more."

Regardless, the company's stock received a healthy run-up due to a strong "buy" rating from Prudential, followed by an equally cataclysmic downturn when the personal injury lawsuits started en masse. 

Site Status: Extinct

The Big Idea: Aimed at a niche, but growing market of self-pitying misanthropic white males who live with their mothers.

Description: Specialized in the online sale of a line of bumper stickers, T-shirts and other whimsical Third Reich memorabilia. 

Analysis: The initial stock offering was only three minutes into the first day of trading before the company's headquarters was bombed and burned to the ground by an enormous cheering mob. Regardless, most analysts were bullish on the stock, and rated it a "strong buy" right up to the moment that the CEO suddenly transferred to the Paraguay parent company office.

Site Status: Kaput

The Big Idea: Everybody loves bunnies and pandas. Why not manatees too?

Description: With the dot-eyed innocence of baby seals, but bloated and naked, the immediate appeal of this quintessential eco-victim poster species as a line of plush toys, seemed like a natural e-market waiting to happen.

Analysis: This eco-empathy site was based on what its founders dubbed “Altru-capitalism.” Tapping into the tree-hugger market, it staved off exploitative guilt by assuring a portion of the (expected) profits would be given to “Manatees Everywhere -- Now and Forever!” a highly effective Washington D.C. lobbyist organization that employs a simple, but effective strategy -- congressmen of either party will vote altruistically on low-profile issues if they are frequently taken to expensive lunches and set up with classy prostitutes.

A last-ditch marketing blitz with Alan Alda as the voice of “Mickey Manatee” -- a hastily developed, clunky clay animation -- attempted to push a marginally profitable sideline of licensed products including posters, key chains, baseball caps, t-shirts and lingerie. But it was a non-starter -- the “Save the Manatee” market never materialized. Along with sluggish sales, the glitzy promotion transcended the humdrum product. The result: Within two months the total market capitalization of the stock was equal to one frozen burrito.

The final blow came when Disney sued the struggling start-up over its mascot’s name. Legal costs skyrocketed, Despite these other pitfalls, most analysts still put the blame squarely on the manatee itself, citing the pitiful victim-creature’s homely appearance and loathsome docility in the face of possible extinction as the principal reason for this site’s downfall.

Site Future: Dead in the Water. (Also see below: EcoBusterToys.com)

The Big Idea: The only good lawn is a cut lawn.

Description: While sitting on his riding mower, the Sod’s founder had the seed of an idea – Why not an Internet portal dedicated to virtual lawns?

Analysis: When the sod plugs for this site were planted two summer’s ago, its growth was slow but sure. Sod targeted customers who, wiping their brows, come to the conclusion: “Who needs all that weeding, fertilizing, mowing and edging? Sure I want a good lawn, but I don’t want to break my back getting one.”

Bagging the e-commerce for e-service, Sod.com let customers upload a digital image of their home and lot, then the site software did the rest. For a $50 registration fee and $14.95 a month Sod offered virtual drought- and disease-resistant lawn makeovers, and featured mouse-controlled “click-and-roll” capability.  Lines of genetically modified lawns included over 100 hybrids and premium offers of actual clones of the greens from locations like Pebble Beach, Wimbledon and Arlington National Cemetery.

Starting as a sleeper site, Sod slowly and steadily built a client base and seemed to be on its way to breaking a profit. Yet six months later, stockholders were complaining that waiting for Sod to just break even was like watching grass grow – Lush as the site was, in the end it never converted its virtual green into profit black. Seems customers found out that when they don’t have a lawn to tend, they have time for even more displeasing things, like cleaning their gutters or re-tarring their driveways.  

Site Future: Mulch

The Big Idea: Provide a modern delivery system for a classic comfort food.

Description: The allure of a recently discovered medieval recipe for porridge and a distribution deal with UPS to deliver it "just right" was the marketing gimmick for this retail food site.

Analysis: Unfortunately, not one investor had ever sampled the warm, nutritious gruel until some two months after the IPO had sold out and tripled its initial offering price of $45 per share. But not even a Clio-winning, prime time TV ad blitz featuring top supermodels dressed as dancing oats could help after the live broadcast of a taste test on Good Morning America, memorable for the longest sustained gagging incident in broadcast history. Regardless, most analysts remained publicly bullish on the stock, until, in a carefully orchestrated re-creation of medieval custom, the company's president was drawn and quartered.

Site Status: Stuck to the bowl

...And Two Survivors

On the positive side, the future is not completely bleak for all e-commerce sites. Here are two promising survivors we found scattered among the wreckage of last year’s failed offerings

The Big Idea: Survival of the fittest is natural too.

Description: Disillusioned by their attempt at Ben & Jerry-type altruistic commerce Manatee_Plush_Toys.com (see above) owners left their failed enterprise bankrupt and bitter. A month later it became apparent they had made a radical about face, launching EcoBusterToys.com.

Analysis: After firing its staff, including spokes voice Alan Alda, and incinerating all tapes, images and other renderings of Mickey Manatee in an out-of-court settlement with Disney, these e-commerce entrepreneurs did not roll over and float to the top. Bringing William Shatner onboard as new spokes voice, they quickly offered a line of Xtreme eco-aggressive toys, including its big-seller Drill the Arctic! line of video games.  But what really put this site in the black was its multimedia ad campaign that had Shatner pose the question: “Are manatees endangered species, or hazardous obstructions plaguing our intercoastal waterways?” The answer, of course, was the popular remote-control ManateeMangler model motorboats with high-speed propellers -- batteries included.

The gamble paid off, big time. EcoBusterBoy.com is one site that put its finger up to political wind, felt the ever-warming breeze blowing from the right, and was brilliantly proactive in adapting to an emerging market. One of the few success stories on the Web, EcoBusterToys.com is a real slam-dunk and today remains one of the most successful e-commerce sites.

Site Future: Pedal to the Metal

The Big Idea: Prophets for profit.

Description:   A religious retail site specializing in the sale of automobile dashboard icons. DashboardDivine.com was resurrected from the recently defunct Infant_of_Prague_World.com, a site dedicated to Infant devotees. Dashboard backers had the bigger idea that combined America's love of the car and the current revival of religious fervor.

Analysis: DashboardDivine.com offered a wide array of classic car dashboard religious idolatry, in any size and configuration -- all with optional magnetic or Velcro base anchors for display flexibility. Focusing on a narrow demographic, it targeted fiercely loyal drivers of ostentatious cars who spare no expense sporting popular Catholic fetishist objects to demonstrate their devotion and assure their entrance into the afterlife -- where cars are even bigger. The company was profitable from The Beginning, and it quickly accrued a cash base big enough to even impress a Vatican accountant.  As such, it received immediate downgrades from analysts in the know, even while its stock price climbed toward you-know-where.

But the sky may not be the limit for this site. DashboardDivine is aggressively expanding its customer base by launching a popular and revelatory 24-hour “click-to-ecstasy service.” Plus, it has introduced a line of Crusade USA! Christian soldier video games and is offering free “Ascending Messiah” screensavers with every order.

Site Future: Eternal