HFH
Special Report
Cult Watch
(con't)
SUV Supplicants
One of the great suburban cults, SUV Supplicants
-- unlike the more eccentric Lawn-Edgers, Garden-Ornament Shakers and
Goose-Adornment Fetishists – are dead serious in their quest for Ultimate
Comfort & Security. This attainment, they believe, can only be found in
roomy, gas-guzzling trucks-turned-passenger vehicles, which are the only way to
get on the entrance ramp to “The Limited-Access Highway to Heaven.”
Cable Financial News Mystics
A
nationwide cable-cult subscribing to the teachings of a rotund Cable Money
Messiah – sometimes called by detractors “the Anti-Buddha.” Followers
obsessively chant ticker numbers and pray to a holy trinity of “NYSE the
Father, Nasdaq the Son and AMEX, the Holy Ghost”
and
seek liberation from the business cycle in a recession-free nirvana.
Newspaper Alternativists
This
highly segmented group follows the teachings of what is optimistically called
the Alternative Press. Although initially drawn by a quest for local
entertainment listings, hard-core practitioners ultimately become consumed by a
belief in “Free Truth in a Box” and revere both conspiracy-mongering
political articles and S&M ads as sacred texts. Some splinter groups
practice exorcisms of demonic “corporate” entities.
Amtrak
Aislers
The introduction of the Segway Human Transporter
has given impetus to a proliferation of personal-mobility cults, known
collectively as “Wheelies,” which regard walking as either an inconvenience
or “an abomination.” Among the most fervent are the Amtrak Aislers, known
for their motorized pilgrimages to the café car.
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