Heisenberg's Fun House
                                                                                               2004
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HFH Special Report

Cult Watch

January 2002

HFH examines obscure but growing cults, sects, secret organizations, mass movements and other examples of herd mentality.

As a service to its readers, HFH will occasionally publish excerpts from the recently declassified U.S. Directory of Cults & Sects (USDCS). (For further information on these or other groups, contact the U.S. Office of Homeland Security.)

Artwork by Ken Silber

Postal Communicants

In a world gone electronic, Postal Communicants long for simpler times, when a handshake sealed the deal and the neighborhood postman cheerily delivered eagerly awaited cereal box-top prizes, comic books or a letter from a dear pen pal.

Palm-Pilot Druids

 Condemning the Postal Communicants as anachronistic simpletons, this reclusive sect believes Truth can only be rendered on the LCDs of personal digital devices and is transmitted via infrared beaming, for “beneath the surface of things lies infra.”

Headset Ascetics

Originally part of an obscure order of monks whose stark ascetic dogma demands celibacy, limits ingestion of anything thicker than kelp soup and forbids speaking to fellow monks, this sub-sect was formed after an abbé discovered a loophole in the order’s credo that allows unlimited long-distance calling.

Sock-Puppet Fanatics

These zealots believe salvation is attained via crude sock puppets with happy faces drawn on them. Convinced humans lack free will, but that sock puppets are fully autonomous beings that can channel The Truth, these fanatics angrily demand obedience, spewing invectives against traditional, non-puppet and marionette-dominated religions.

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