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The
Summer 2002
CROP CIRCLE ALMANAC
Produced for Heisenberg's Fun House by the
Crystal-Granola Pacific Harmonic Research Foundation
INTRODUCTION As
sensationalistic accounts of Crop Circles proliferate due to the Hollywood blockbuster,
Signs, this almanac serves as a common-sense guide to interpreting
Circle messages and discerning the difference
between real and a faked events. If
you find a Circle, promptly
report it to us. But before attempting to telepathically communicate with
any "agri-glyphic" symbol, realize some may not be legitimate
messages from our paranormal betters, but rather publicity stunts or hoaxes by thrill-seeking farm kids high on corn silk and bored with cow tipping. VERIFYING YOUR CROP CIRCLE
Eight ways to identify your Circle as one created by authentic electro-
planetary Gaia fields generated
by genuine crystal-energy, reverse-vortex pulsations or common psycho-harmonic dis-equilibrial discharges:
1. Irritable and sexually uncooperative barnyard animals.
2. Dogs bark at fuzzy ball of light over field.
3. A look of wide-eyed wonder on cute-as-a-button
farm
children whose faces in window are softly lit by
apparition.
4. Moonless and foggy night allows farmer's flashlight to
cast strong, light-saber-like beam.
5. Back at quaint, 19th-century farmhouse, electrical power
failure, dead phone and requisite stalled pickup truck.
6. Once inside Circle, humble farmer will experience anxiety,
puzzlement and, after interview by
local TV-news unit,
delusions of self-importance.
7. Expert examination reveals Circle aligns with true sacred
geometry. (A perfect line from a Circle to
the septic tank
will not suffice.)
8. Morning light also may reveal cattle mutilations or strange
dental work.
Any or all of the above psycho-magnetic activity is your assurance the Circle in
your field is the real
thing and gives you bragging rights to a bona fide paranormal event.
2002 AUTHENTICATED FORMATIONS
June-July
Thanks
to NASA, we now can image circles via satellite-borne hyperspectral cameras, 'seeing'
formerly invisible features that greatly enhance circleologists' ability to
interpret these very special messages.
(click
on photo for hyperspectral satellite image)
Simple Solar-Magneto Polar-Flux Circle
Wheat field. Skaggs County,
Minnesota
Naked-eye view. Click on photo for enhanced hyperspectral satellite
image.
Finder
reported intense boredom and later added HBO to his cable subscription. Formation widely interpreted by
circleologists as portending another season of bad network television.
Rare Negative-Ion
Undulating
Temporal Wave Circle
Barley Field. East Fussex, Chesterworsterchershire, U.K.
Naked-eye view. Click on photo for enhanced hyperspectral satellite
image.
The powerful aura
incinerated the crop, barn and cattle. Finder experienced bad karma,
along with a nasty case of the sniffles. Does not bode well for future
extraterrestrial contact according to some Circle enthusiasts.
Complex Electro-planetary Gaia Formation
Oat field. Cartilage,
Maine
Naked-eye view. Click on photo for enhanced hyperspectral satellite
image.
The perfect ecliptic alignment of this
extraordinarily complex
formation proves
114-dimension string-theory geometry and demonstrates the effectiveness of product placement as a marketing tool.
Fractal
Line/Partial Temporal-Fabric Algorithm
Corn
Field. East Prestone, Iowa
Naked-eye view. Click on photo for enhanced hyperspectral satellite
image.
Lines suggest a trend, though hidden
features complicate message making it unreliable. Arrow points both to the Great Pyramid at Giza and the Mall of America,
yet the message remains cryptic.
Conventional
Harmonic-Convergence Circle
Coffee-bean field. Near Las Cocas, Colombia
Naked-eye view. Click on photo for enhanced hyperspectral satellite
image.
Same symbol has appeared in
thousands of U.S. fields. Finders experience burnt, bitter taste,
acid reflux, need
to incessantly chatter on a cell phone. May predict high coffee prices and demise of
locally owned cafes.
Circles In the News -- May-July
Hundreds of
Crop Circles Upset Central Kansas Family
{Excerpted from the Topeka Daily }
BRICKBAT, Kan.
May 27, 2002 -- Central Kansas farmer Trent Cluttlebutt has never seen anything like it,
but he
refuses to believe
aliens were responsible for hundreds of perfectly formed double Circles in a row
that appeared in his recently planted sorghum field. "I try to live in the real
world -- which is this," said Cluttlebutt motioning to the vast,
featureless spread of prairie around him, and these weirdo circles are not part of that
world." At first,
Cluttlebutt and his family suspected the circles -- each about
10 inches long and 5 inches wide -- that stretch across his
field to his property line and then beyond in a roughly straight line to a nearby trailer park
were the work of aliens. "I figured some
ET types trampled down my crop when they landed for their usual cattle
experiments," said the 47-year-old farmer. But
for Cluttlebutt, some things about this event were "just not right." "First
off, our prize sow, Jezebel is missing," said his oldest son, Clayton. According
to Cluttlebutt, who has had several Circle events verified by Crop
Circle Almanac, "maybe the saucers were at it again, but I
swear, there were no cigar-shaped lights. And if they're
coming, they usually warn us through my wife's hairdryer -- that I know for
sure." "Yep,"
added Clayton. "If it was the saucers, this would be easily
explainable, but these are just too much to figure." "Something
else is funny," added Cluttlebutt, "If they were from the saucers they
would be perfect circles that glow in that weird green light, and we'd all be tingling, now
wouldn't we?" "That's
right, and they'd be a lot bigger, and there would just be one or two -- not
like these," Clayton
added, pointing to the numerous small indents resembling merged double circles, one bigger and one smaller. "These
are more sort'a like a footprints," observed Cluttlebutt's youngest son Bevis, age seven. "Sure
son," said Cluttlebutt, winking at Clayton. "You have to
forgive Bevis," he whispered. "Sometimes the boy's a little
slow." The
only thing the family could be sure of was, if it had been a UFO, then
they'd only be short one cow, but would still have Jezebel.
Strange Formation
Nonplusses Area Man
{Excerpted from the Carrion County Supermarket News}
CARRION TOWNSHIP,
W. Va. July 13, 2002 -- When it comes to the unexplainable, Carrion-native Newt Quagmire is still scratching his head."It
wasn't there when I went in, but when I came out -- there it was," said the
27-year-old Arby's customer-service representative. Early
this morning Quagmire parked his 1983 Ford F-150 pickup in the Rite-Aid.
"I go in there sometimes to pick up things," he said.
"When I came out, I went to get in my truck like usual and all of a sudden I saw it --
markings written in the dust along the left driver's-side rocker panel.
It's as if they wanted me to see it. It's really eerie." Carrion
Sheriff Cal Rizzok said there was very little chance of catching the perpetrator since, "judging from the sophistication of the symbols, they
most likely aren't from these parts," he said. Carrion
Community College English professor Amber Cluster also was stumped, saying
inconclusively the symbols resembled the English words "wash me," though
an in-depth examination by experts was needed. "I
guess I ought'a do their bidding, just in case," said a resigned Quagmire.
"When I think about it, this sucker does need a good scrub down. I
mean, heck, I'd be the last person who'd wanna tick off them ETs."
Crop
Circle Almanac Sponsors & Supporters
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